


when I look at you.

by Lexaraccon13



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Army, F/F, F/M, M/M, Minor Angst, Mom Lexa, PTSD, badass clark, hopefully smut, i have no clue how to write it, sargent griffin, squad goals
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-03
Updated: 2020-03-28
Packaged: 2020-11-22 17:58:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 25,610
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20878361
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lexaraccon13/pseuds/Lexaraccon13
Summary: follow Clark through her journey to self forgiveness, a world she doesn't know anymore, and a girl who she no longer knew.Clark has just come back from her last tour, injured and broken. who will pick up the pieces.





	1. Chapter 1 I bare it so they dont have to

**Author's Note:**

> My first ever fan fiction ever, all spelling mistakes are my own, reviews bad or good are very much appreciated. I hope you like it.

“Clark! Wait, come bac- “   
The explosion was so loud but that wasn’t the worst part, it was the silence after, the ringing in my ears, the ash falling, I couldn’t move, all I could do was watch everything around me crumble. I took a few deep breaths and mentally checked myself, I couldn’t move my arms, my head was pounding, my legs are trapped underneath a beam that snapped, I didn’t know what to do. I started to panic feel the breath leave me, I shouldn’t be here, I want to go home! This wasn’t my mission. After what fell like hours, I heard shouts, heard the helicopter floating.   
“Sargent Griffin! Griffin respond.” The voice started getting louder, I tried to scream but nothing came out, the voice was getting louder.  
“Captain over here! We need to get this off her, get ready for evacuation” I felt hands touch me, I could smell his breath, hear his desperation. I couldn’t speak everything I done was for my people, and this, this moment is what will define me, commander of death, and what my brothers will name me. Wanheda.  
“Griffin keep them blues on me solider, come on you can do this I need you to stay with me, that’s it keep awake” the man was cradling my head, looking down at me, I could see the destruction in his eyes, the other soldiers around me, trying to save the girl who saved them all, I could see squad hover, frozen. Trained men looking lost. I wanted to reach out, wanted to tell them to stop being arseholes and move out, I know the building wont last long, not after the IED took most of the beams holding the place together, I tried to speak, nothing but whimpers left my lips. The man holding me looked to a woman about my age, who was looking at me with dread and no hope, she was trying to get to my arm that was limp beside me.  
“We need to get out of here Captain, the building is going to collapse, do you want all of your squad to die down here?” she was harsh, but she spoke true, I can see in her eyes, if she was the one in charge, they’d leave me, they would get home safely with only one death and not six on their shoulders. The man snapped, he was so angry, desperate to find a solution anything, so he didn’t have to go to my home and deliver the news of my death.  
“Dioza, stand down, we are not leaving one of our own! Get Murphy and his troop help lift this beam while you help me grab griffin, we do need to evacuate, but not without her, am I understood?” he was breathing heavily,  
“yes Captain.” She sighed and started barking orders at the men standing around.  
The captain turned to me and started to stroke my hair. “I will bring you back to her princess, I never break my promise, just hold on” her, I couldn’t remember her. The last thing I had in my mind before everything went black, was dark beautiful green eyes.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The first thing I see when I come to, is a white ceiling, I smell strong chemicals. I hear the machine, clearly. I can feel the scratchy blanket that wasn’t warm. I am in a hospital; I can’t believe I am alive.  
“it took you long enough princess” a deep voice on my left, I struggled to turn my head, he was sitting in a chair, that looked like it was straining with his weight, he had dark curly hair, dark brown eyes. He had soft smile. He was here, he made it too.  
“Bell!” I couldn’t get anything else past my lips, my body started to shake, I let out a wet sob, and the tears came, Bellemy rushed to my side. “Hey, Clark it’s okay shh, I’m here, we’re here, princess you’re safe.” He kept repeating soothing words to me, it felt like hours laying in his arms, his t shirt socked. I wiped my nose with my sleep and mumbled a sorry.  
“what happen? Ho- how am I alive.” He stiffened, slowly pulling back, his eyes, his eyes is what I loved most, they were so expressive, they told me what he couldn’t say, and I knew by the tears that are yet to spill, his Adams apple bobbing that it was bad. I used all my strength and sat up. I took his chin, so he couldn’t look away. “what happened Bellamy?” he sighed “what do you remember?” I mentally racked my brain, then I froze, suddenly the room got smaller, the noise got louder, all I could smell was burning flesh, smoke going into my eyes, bellemy holding me, I couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe, I heard voices shouting at me, they were scared, there was one voice that I could hear clearly, I would always know, the way she would say my name, soothe me. I couldn’t speak I tried, I wanted her, but I couldn’t say anything.

Suddenly everything was quiet, I started to calm down, my breath going back to normal, my heart slowing, the ringing in my ears fading. Something was stroking my back; no someone was stroking my back, I could smell roses, tabaco, the soap all of us had to use, I turn my head to the right, I choke, my eyes stinging. “Luna! No- you’re dead, I-I lost you, no, no this is a horrible nightmare, I need to go, get me out of here!” I tried to bring my hands up to my hair, but found that they both had casts on them, Luna cleared her throat. “I don’t go that easy my sekon, were all okay, you got us out pretty bird.” Luna tilted my chin up and started to explain to me what happened.  
She said I done everything I could, got most of us out, we wasn’t expecting the building to be live. That I ordered everyone out the building, spotting the three IEDs on the beams, there wasn’t time for me, but Monroe and Emori didn’t listen, they came back for me and paid the price for it. I was confused.  
“why did I make it, and they didn’t?” my throat closed, I could no longer speak. My head started to get fuzzy, before everything went black, Luna said. “because you’re wanheda, mountain slayer, savour to our people, sister to our family.”


	2. Chapter 2 Ge smak daun, gyon op nodotaim

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this chapter will explain what happened.

“how is she? Has she woken yet?” bellamy ran his hands through his hair. “I don’t know 0, she woke up, panicked, went back to sleep. I don’t know what to do! Two of our best friends are dead, our corporal is being an ass, not letting us take her home, she won’t get through the question O. you should of seen it, I’ve served with her for three years, been to hell and back by her side, and I have never seen her cry. I don’t know how to handle it, she won’t come back to this.” He started to panic himself, how was he going to tell her what happened to emori? To Monroe? Bellamy looked at his watch, 16:00 hours, he could only speak to his sister for a few minutes before he had to go back in. “bell?” he didn’t realise she replied, he asked her to repeat what she said. “bell, you’ll help her, we all will. Shel come home to a massive support system, and we will be there for her, that what family do.” He smiled his sister was always the stubborn one, refusing to back down from anything or anyone. He had to ask. “does she know?” Octavia sighed knowing that it will always come down to her to tell him the same thing every dam time. “she won’t talk to me bell, not about her. But yes, she does know. No, I don’t know she reacted. Bell you can’t tell Clark, not yet” I laughed knowing the situation wasn’t funny. “I know O, she’s the bottom of the shit list, I don’t want her to know, she’s already got to go though all of this bullshit we all have.” I heard footsteps come up to me and knew by the man’s gait who it was. “listen O I have to go; I will call you tomorrow I love you.” After he hung up, he squared his shoulders and saluted the man keeping us here.

“corporal Thelonious. What I can I do for you sir.” Thelonious looked bellamy up and down, taking note of the crinkled uniform, and the bags under his eyes, he hasn’t slept since she woke up and won’t until we are home. “Captain, I have come to talk to Sargent griffin, I know she has awoken.” “yes sir, may I speak freely?” bellamy was shaking, with anger or fear, he did not know, what he did know was if what he said may lead to his demise, he will hold his head up high. Thelonious nodded his head, and motion with his head to one of the plastic seats outside Clarks room. “with all due respect sir, but Cla- Sargent griffin isn’t well enough to answer all of your questions, and she certainly isn’t ready for the interrogation you are preparing.” Thelonious looked affronted. He stood up walked towards the nurse’s station, and asked, no demanded Clarks medical records.

After he came storming towards me and shoved the file to my chest. He started to whisper in a angry rant. “Captain Blake, all I see is two broken arms, a fractured leg and a few cuts and bruise, nothing in that file states she has any head wound. So, tell me why I should not ask my solider the questions I am required. Do you not want to go home Blake? “bellamy shoulders sagged, he couldn’t do the thing he wanted most and that was punching this bastard in the face, he slowly nodded. “sir, please, please be gentle.” The corporal scoffed, barging past him and muttering a few choice words.

===========================================================================================================

“you killed us? Don’t you see, our blood is on your hands! I will never see him again” I didn’t, they weren’t meant to come back, she wasn’t meant to come back. Another figure popped up, their face so scarred and burnt I didn’t recognise who it was. Not until she spoke. “you promised to come back to me” I ran after the figure walking away, I tried grabbing her, I only touched the mist that was coming over, “I am coming back, I didn’t break my promise! Come back” the figure stopped, I could see her eyes, my favourite pair. “no, the person in that hospital room, is a cold, heartless monster, you killed all those people, children! For what? Your own self.” I shook my head, my tears making my eyes blearily, “I done it for my people, my country! I am not a monster!!” I sagged down to the floor repeating the last words I said. I woke up screaming, loads of doctors and nurses started to hold me down, they tried to calm me, but I couldn’t! I had to get to her, tell her its me! Its Clark, the Clark that used to sing cheesy songs to her, when she was down! Who went to Walmart at three in the morning because she started her period. I am not a monster! that’s when Luna came back in, she jumped on to the bed minding my leg, she started to sing, something that soothed me, until my heart stopped racing and my breathe slowed down to a quite pant. I shuddered felt the remains of the nightmare slip away. Luna leant back, looked me in the eyes, she placed a loose hair behind my ear. “it’s okay Sekon, you’re safe, youre here.” I shook my head, this place, it wasn’t letting me go, I need to get out of here, I need to feel the wind whipping through my hair, the smell of fresh air. “I ant to go home.” I whisper. Luna looked sad, angry she was holding something back. I glared; I have had enough of everyone treating me like a child. “Luna, why can’t I go home, why will know one tell me”. “I can give you the questions your seeking, in return I will need answers to my own.” Corporal Thelonious stood in the doorway, fully dressed in his blues, medals strapped to his chest and hands behind his back. Luna froze, this wasn’t meant to happen so soon, Luna needed to get him out of here! She wasn’t ready. “Private you can make yourself scarce, I need to speak with Sargent griffin.” I could see Luna was going to refuse, but I wanted answers, I also want her to keep her rank. “it’s okay Luna, go I will see you later.” Luna went to protest but his booming voice stooped the nurses from fussing, eyes widening and scuttling out like a heard of sheep. “do not make me repeat myself private.” Luna hesitated by the door, she knew this was going to end badly, she needed to get to bellamy, Clark will need all the support she could get. As soon as Luna left, Thelonious shut the door, closed the blinds and sat down.

“before I start Sargent. I will like to say, congratulations, but don’t let it go to your head.” I was confused, a congratulations. I looked around the room, complete baffled. “Sir?” You won the medal of honour, for your actions at mount weather, Wanheda” he said sarcastically. I couldn’t understand, how could I have such a thing, when I done all that I did? But I knew I would have to walk on eggshells around him, I had to use my parent’s politics skill before I got myself into trouble. “I am honoured sir. I am very proud to serve you and this country.” What a load of bullocks but making her boss chest puffed up and his ears scratched kept her from choking him “well I am proud of you, but this isn’t why I am here. I will simply ask questions, and you will simply answer them, no bullshit. Then you will be cleared to fly back to arcadias hospital, where you will heal. Am I clear Sargent?” I nodded, I need to get out of this room, this country, I can’t handle being in the same country I destroyed. Thelonious cleared his throat. “what happened at Mount weather?” one simple question, made my whole-body freeze, my breathe come in short pants, I shoved my hands in the pocket of my sweats. I stared at the fly buzzing around the room, kept my face neutral, to show weakness in front of your Sargent is a sign of disrespect. “our mission was to get in, get the antidote. All stealth no casualties. But they knew we was coming, there was a mole in our infantry. I ordered everyone to split up in two, meet in the lab. We got there but had to use lethal tactics to get through. Once we got in the lab, we realised that there was no antidote. So, every man, child women never would have survived coming out of their bunker. I ordered us to retreat but it was too late, cage Wallace had bellamy strapped to a table, saw in hand, ready to extract bone marrow. Emori and Monroe was knocked out and held in the mess hall. Murphy and dioza was trapped in the tunnels with the reapers. I had known choice but to threaten him with his dad. Dante Wallace, I put a gun to his temple and ordered cage to let us all go.” I paused, I took of the water Thelonious gave me, muttering a thank you. It was a lot easier to tell the story to him, switching all my emotions off. “continue Clark.” I was shocked the first time he’s ever said my name. I put down the cup and started to fiddle with cast on my right arm. “he didn’t believe me, he said I was just a woman in man’s world, said I was too fragile, just a shitty medic. I laughed he didn’t realise I was the leader; I pulled the trigger and watch cage shout out. He turned on the saw and started on bellamy leg. I didn’t know what to I looked around, there was computer, buttons, loads of machinery. And that’s when Monty came through the coms I described what I saw, and he told me what to do. After fiddling with the computer there was a leaver” my façade was fading away, I could no longer hide the pain, the choice, the action of what I done. I continued “once I pulled the leaver, the vents reversed, and everyone who was born in that bunker died a horrible death, their disease bubbling through their skin. After that I let all doors open, and went to bellamy, then the others. Emori and Monroe they were okay a bit banged up but okay, murphy took a bullet, but I managed to cauterise the wound. We all grabbed bellamy who was losing a lot of blood, a few hours later we found what seemed an abandon building, we cleared it and made camp until we could get one our radios to work.” I stopped I couldn’t go on any longer. Thelonious looked uncomfortable. “you walked straight towards the building?” I nodded “yes” I lied. He asked “how did you spot the IEDS” my breathe stopped, I didn’t want to do this, but I want to go home. “we were laying down, all quiet, we were all in shock. Me? I was numb, but we didn’t have no food, no water, we were all in pain, bellamy could barely walk. I needed to get us out of here, so I went outside, and tried the radio our base. I was kicking the dirt , when I kicked away a series of wires, I followed them down to where the building stood, I started to panic, they could have been anything, but after seeing wired IEDS for four tours, I knew what they had walked into, I didn’t want to panic them, They would waste time. So, I lied I went in told them all I had contacted the base they were coming for us, I told them to help bellamy stand and get out. As I was helping bellamy out one of them went out bring the door down and separating me and him. My head was dizzy, my wrist was broken, I was looking at other exits when-“she paused

_“Emori get out!” she came in closer. “I am not leaving you griffin now hurry the fu-“ the second bomb went off, one of the beams landing on emori. It threw me back, hitting the wall with a crack, I managed to get back up slowly walking to her, emori was gasping for breath, pleading, “tell him I will always love him. I love you and I will always look out for all of you” I let out a sob, I closed her eyes, I couldn’t get up, I caused this, I should of told them the truth-_

“Griffin? Griffin?” I snapped out of my head, took a shaky breath. “after I tried prying the beam of emori, I wanted to take her with me, home. But then the third went off and it blasted me across the far side of the room, the other beam fell on me, and that’s the last I remember.” Thelonious couldn’t believe it, he knew he was hard, years in army taught him that, but looking at the brave young woman, made his heart ache and his eyes water, he cleared his throat. “you saved us all, Clark, if they would still breathe today, they would have doomed us all. The sacrifice you and your team brought, the civilians may not know, but they will know your bravery. Once the paperwork is signed, and the doctors have cleared all your squad to fly, we will prepare for you to come home. I hope you enjoy the rest of your life; you defiantly deserve it.” He left leaving the door open. I didn’t realise I was crying until the doctor walked and handed me a tissue. Home. I knew where that was, but wasn’t sure, if I belonged there. I haven’t been back in two years, staying at the base, or going on the lad’s holidays. I knew what would await me, my mother abby griffin welcoming me with open arms, but angry inside. Raven ignoring me for few day until I show up with beer and food. Octavia punching me in the arm and a good sparring session before forgiving me. And her, I couldn’t say her name, because I knew I would break down, she wouldn’t be there, she would be in Polis doing her dream job, maybe a girlfriend, she would be happy. I won’t ruin it.

The doctor cleared his throat, I forgot he was here, behind him was bellamy and Luna, sharing worried glances. “Sargent griffin, I am pleased to say, theses past few days your recovery has improved, we agree with your corporals that you’re well enough to fly back to the states, but you will remain at the hospital for a few more days due to the concussion you sustain. Your wrists are healing nicely, the cast can come of within three weeks, as for your leg, it will take longer to heal due to the damage.” I stopped listening. How long was I out? It only felt like yesterday that I was in the building, silently praying to whoever up there, that they would get my family home.

“hey, you hear that? We can go home. Me and Bell are going to get your things, we should be leaving in 02:00 hours, I know its sudden, but we should be in arcadia tomorrow.” My eyes widen, so soon? I thought I had enough time, time to prepare the onslaught of emotions I would have to go through. I paused, I looked to Luna, “you’re coming with us? W-what about your sister?” Luna smiled and started to stroke my hair she looked at bellamy. “I go wherever you go sekon, it just so happens my sister wants to come as well, she always wanted to see arcadia. Murphy will be with us as well” she looked so sad, “he will need all the support we can give him; he wants you to know it wasn’t your fault and he will see you state side cockroach.” I sniffed, I was so selfish, I didn’t even ask how my team was! Bellamy seemed to sense my thoughts and grabbed my hand. “hey, don’t start, you are going through a lot, murphy will be glad to see you. Here.” He walked over to the little wardrobe that was on the right side of me and pulled out a clean pair of uniform, they must of burnt the ones that was on me. “were going to get you dressed, princess, then we will start to get ready.” Luna raised her brow, and took the uniform away from him, “you mean you’re going to go get ready while I help her get dressed.” Bellamy rolled his eyes, “she has the wrong parts fish, I just want to help.” I giggled. Luna smiled at me, “well my little sekon, is rather beautiful and could probably get you the queen of dick into bed.”

This felt good listen to there banter. Maybe there is hope, hope that I would laugh again without the shooting pain reminding me of what I done, reminding me that while I live Monroe and Emori are lost. I looked down at my cast and saw a black butterfly and I knew who drew that. The bullet murphy took was meant for me, the knife that was meant for me, Monroe took, the lie I told, emori payed for. The black butterfly was a symbol of hope maybe the deaths the sacrifice, the pain, maybe it will make me strong, stronger than I was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wasn't sure if I have written this aswell nut reviews are welcomed with open arms.


	3. Chapter 3 tell the word i am coming home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> think this was just a filler, also introducing raven and anya

Lexas POV

There was a time when I thought I wouldn’t get married, not after seeing the destruction it left me and Anya, but here I am in a beautiful white jumpsuit with pearls around waist, waiting at the entrance for my father. I was nervous more nervous when I had to say good- no I cant’s think about her now. “you alright their kid? Second thoughts? I’ve got Reyes, in the car with the engine on?” I rolled my eyes, my dad Gustus never liked costia, no matter how much she tried to get his approval. Costia and I met back in college, she was my partner in a social project, ever since then we were friends, I knew that it was wrong to start dating Costia knowing I was still not over Clark, I should of waited until I was ready, ready to fall again. But there are two types of love, one that will destroy you lift the ground from your feet, and there’s the love that’s warm, soft and harmless. I do love Costia, and I want to marry her, sometimes I just wonder what if?  
“hey, I was only joking, Lexa, I’m glad she makes you happy.” I sighed. “I just want to make her happy dad, I lover her and our family. why won’t no one let me move on?  
Gustus frowned, he did like costia, unfortunly he couldn’t get past the one who got away. “I am happy for your kiddo, I am so proud of you, what you achieved. I know this day is the day you start your lives together and I want wait to celebrate with you, even if I have spent the night with your mom.” He winked, I elbowed him in the ribs. My dad and mom have been separated since me and Anya was five, they never get along, especially when they have had a drink, raven finds it funny claims that it brings entertainment. The lights came on the music started to play, I held my shoulders straight, threaded my fingers through Gustus arm and started to walk.  
She was beautiful, her dresses flowing down, the blue around her waist, her hair carefully braided in the triku way. The wedding was amazing with fairy lights hanging around the chairs, we only wanted a small gathering, her family and mine, both of our friends, who are already sneaking vodka into the champagne, I sighed that stupid mixture, there are defiantly going to regret it and better not embarrass us. Besides costia was her bridesmaids, echo and harper. Echo looked bored, and harper looked uncomfortable. There he was our beautiful little boy, Aden coming to his third birthday wearing dashing lack three-piece suit with a blue flower in his pocket, he also looked bored, I grimaced, he was wiping his boogers on the lady who was marrying us dress.  
I was here my father put my hands in costia hands. Kissed my cheek and went to sit next down to Indra who delivered an elbow in the ribs for stepping on her dress.

This is it, the day my life changes forever and not just marrying costia but news that a certain someone is back.

Clarks POV  
After getting of the plane, and going through customs, I was surprised when a load of airport staff clapping and throwing silly string at me, what the fuck? “we are all over the news, but rest assured the army is sorting it. I rolled my eyes, yeah that would never happen. I told Luna to get me in the car, an embarrassingly fifteen minutes later was in. fucking wheelchair, I can walk but have to use a crutch, which I can’t use due to having two broken wrists. “maybe if you stop moaning, we would have not wasted time.” Bellamy laughed. “yeah I doubt you would want her to stop moaning” he wiggled his eyebrows, laughed harder when Clark and Luna blush. I have been sleeping with Luna since we met, it was on my second tour, and I was lonely, mostly depressed, struggling fitting in with everyone. Luna strolled up offered a cigarette and started taking the piss out of the boys jumping in the paddling pool, since then our friendship grew, the sex didn’t come till later when we just got back from a tough mission, all we wanted to do was feel pleasure instead of pain. Ever since then they would find comfort in each other but nothing more, they both understood the danger of feelings in war, but now? Who knows? Luna whacked him on the side of the head. “eat a bag of dicks bell” Clark laughed squeezing her hand. “he will be in a minute fish.” They both looked at me, with a confused glance. I grinned. “driver, take us to the Jahar please.” He nodded and started the car.  
“wait Clark this isn’t a good idea-“I sighed I knew the protests would come Luna squeaked. “we just got back; come on Clark don’t you want to see our new digs?”  
“no, not yet I want to drink, I want watch Bell try to flirt with straight men and watch you tell your whiskey story. Please I need this” the both glanced at each other, then sighed. Luna spoke first, “fine but queen here can get your fat ass through the door.” I clapped. Yes! No way were they going home sober.

Bellamy was already half through their bottle of jack, already giving fifty bucks to Luna after claiming he could get the number of smelly joes. He looked over to Clark who was on an old mans lap singing, swaying slightly with another bottle of jack. He thought this wouldn’t be a good idea, after what happened, alcohol, mixed with angry, heart-breaking emotions was never good, but here he was watching Clark sitting on a sixty-year olds lap. His phone vibrated

-O: be there in twenty, I can’t believe you started without me!  
Bellamy smiled; he told his sister as soon as he turned on his phone where he was. He wanted to see his baby sister and couldn’t wait to see her face and she saw Clark, he wanted to surprise her, since there bestfrinds, she didn’t know Clark was Home yet.  
“are you not worried brother?2 Luna sat next to me with a beer in one hand, and a cigar? In the other. He shrugged. “we are getting free drinks, she ‘happy, I semi happy, I know it won’t last but let her have this.” The problem with Luna she is too overprotective just like him with his sister. “she hasn’t been to this place in 3 years, she refuses to see her mom, she hasn’t even mention raven.” I cut her off with a look, “you know why, we can’t tell her yet. Wait until we are all settled in. I will also start looking.”  
“you know he will come back give him the space.”  
Luna downed the rest of her beer, “I’m going for this coming with?”  
He shook his head. “better keep an eye on this one” Clark was back in her wheel chair looking at him with poppy dog eyes, he sighed, he’s been helping her drink, and now she wants a piss.  
“you know I feel sorry for the person who’s going to wipe your arse when you’re old.” Clark giggled kissing him on the cheek. “Fish already claimed it will be you on shit duty.” He laughed pushing her towards the lady’s. 

Luna was leaning against the wall near entrance, when she saw her, at first, she didn’t know who it was, but the closer they got, her eyes widen. No no this cant be happening. She stepped in front them abruptly said “I really need you both to fuck off” they looked shocked until one of them recognise her “Luna? W-what are you doing here? When did you get back?” raven took a step back, she went pale “is she here?” I slowly nodded my head. I got up in Anya face. “you especially need to- wait! Don’t Reyes, she isn’t in a good place!” raven scoffed and went in through the doors, I huffed we haven’t been back in less than five hours and it’s already going to kick off. Anya was still standing there, I asked calmly, “does she know?” Anya glared and got in Lunas face. “listen here, you wil keep her away from my sister, if she goes near her you answer to me understood, fish?” I pushed her away from my space, “ha! Like she cares, shes got enough problems than seeing your sister who by the way is the one who her hurt clark!” I stormed back in, getting ready drag Clark back to their place.  
What she went into she wasn’t surprised to see. Bellamy had raven in his arms trying to keep her away from Clark, and the sixty-year-old that had Clarks attention from the start was holding her up, when he could barely stand himself. Raven was shouting “why come back her you bitch; you’re going to ruin us again! Three years Clark, you left me” the last one was a loud whisper. I could see Clark was starting to panic, I met Bellamy eyes, and nodded. I quickly rang an uber. Shit this is going to hurt her. Luna promised herself that she would be there for little bird, because she will stand up head held high. Clark the wanheda will rise again. 

I couldn’t believe it, Raven Reyes everyone, I knew I would get some sort of anger but this? This was on a whole ne level. She still looked the same, hair up in her signature ponytail, red leather jacket, but what surprised me was the brace on her left leg. We used to be so close me her Octavia. But when I joined the army 6 years ago, things weren’t the same. Raven never quite forgave me for joining, she didn’t understand I was doing it for her, abbey refused to let raven stay round when her mum was using. She wouldn’t give me money, because I knew she would give it to her. See raven wasn’t homeless, but when her mom would use, she would use her house as a brothel, if it wasn’t for Octavia and bellamy, she would of be in the system. Once I joined all my money would go home, Anya, she hated me, but she also knew raven, so with the help of her ex bestfrinds sister, she got raven through college. Now I know why Anya asked for more. I wanted to know so badly, knew I wouldn’t get one, I will have to earn her trust and friendship. I croaked, suddenly sober “ray, please let me explain” raven roared “explain what? Why you left? Why you abandon us? How could you! After everything, you just left us.” I ignore the us part. Before I could speak, I was suddenly inguffled in a hug by. “Octavia! OMG what are you doing here, I’ve missed you!” I missed her so much, I missed her brutal honesty, her hugs, the comfort. “so have I sister, come on lets get you home, I hope you like the new place I decorated it myself” she started to ramble as we walked and was startled when finding raven arguing with Bellamy. “yo bro! come on lift is here.” Bell he was angry, he gave one glance raven, walked over to me, and started to push me to the exit. “where’s Luna? I wouldn’t think she would miss the fun.”  
“she didn’t she just had some on her own” I was about to state she wasn’t here, when I suddenly saw her standing beside the car sporting a nice eye. I tugged her shirt to come closer, I gently touched the bruised eye. “Anya?” I whispered, she nodded. With the help of my friends I was in the car going home. Bell was in the middle, with his arms both around, he started to laugh, not finding the whole situation funny, we both turned to him, he put a piece of paper in my hand. I laughed and showed Luna. It said. You made old heart beat fast again, here’s my number so you could make of other one start up again. We didn’t stop laughing. My first night back home should have been numb, emotional, in all the movies soldiers are expected to just go into a state. But that doesn’t sink until late, when you lie in a real bed. When you don’t feel the rough sleeping bag beneath you, its too quiet, there’s no bellamy snoring, murphy talking in his sleep. No Luna trying hog all the covers, just silence.  
Sleep never finds her.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone fir the kudos and comments I really appreciate the feed back. I am trying my best, and I hope I can improve. thanks for reading.

“you haven’t been asleep” It was a statement. Luna lifted her head up on to her hand, started stroking my belly. “I can’t fish. Not yet” I sighed, and started to get up, my head hurt my leg ached. I went to pull on my top, when I realised, I couldn’t. I turned to Luna who was already shuffling so she could reach me. “theses fucking things.” I muttered; Luna laughed. “they will come off soon, sekon, patience.” I rolled my eyes, “yes yoda. What are you doing today?” it was weird, not being at the base, not getting up at five, going for a jog, hitting the gym, no paperwork, no authority. I sighed, I know I am tired, but I daren’t go to sleep. “well me and you are going...” she paused, then done the most ridiculous white chicks’ impression “SHOPPING!” I laughed, I am glad Luna moved with us, I don’t know if I could get up in the morning without her, “is Bell coming?” she stared at me, giving me the look that says it all. “and he calls me the lightweight, go get in the shower I will get breakfast.” I didn’t want to go out in public, but I knew I didn’t own much clothing. I started hobbling towards the kitchen, using the walls to keep me from falling. The apartment is mine, bellamy and Lunas. Octavia did have taste, which just plain white walls, but with pictures of all of us together, I paused at the one that had all of us in, half me wanted to tear it down. We were in highscool, just left our senior year, we decided to go to my dad’s old lake house, the days were filled with water fights, BBQs and laughter. The nights were warm, singing round a clique fire pit. That was also the last time we were all the together before me and bellamy enlisted. It will be Monroe and emori funeral when all of us will be together I wonder if she would be there, god that would be awkward. They already have a date, my heart races at the thought of having to say goodbye. I missed them so much.

As I tuned the corner, I saw Bellamy and Octavia already in the kitchen both dancing to Britney spears. Cooking what looked like eggs but if its bellamy cooking, it would be shit. “please say you are not letting your brother cook O, we can’t have another oven go to shit.” Bellemy threw an eggshell at me “you bitch, I was doing a nice thing, was going to bring you to bed” I rolled my eyes. “I can walk,” Octavia looked me up and down and said. “yeah looking like john Wayne.” I huffed, sat myself on the couch, switched on the Tv. It was on the local news, I saw Luna sneak up and try to switch the tv off, but I swiped the controls. “not quick enough fish” they have been avoiding talking to me since I woke up, if they won’t give me answers, then this will.

“we have an update, Sargent Clark griffin, Bellamy Blake, Luna Winters has been sighted in Arcadia, our local heroes, was spotted in jahas, the bar owner gave no comment, but did state, they would drink for free for their life in his bar.” She continued about how mount weather was stopped and what the army will do after.

They will never let me forget, not in my dreams and not in my head. I felt a gentle arm come around my shoulders, Luna whispered. “just give it a few weeks, they will soon be over us and start talking about smelly joe costing Pete’s bar money.” I nodded, I knew it was a lie, arcadia is a small town, then news might forget me, but the people won’t.

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A week passed my a blur, just staying in, Luna and I catching up on all the new tv shows, Bellamy spent a lot of time with Octavia and Raven, who was still refusing to speak to me, I haven’t been outside, not since going shopping and seeing her. Lexa. I was just exiting Target when I spotted her talking to a very gorgeous woman, besides her was a little boy, looking wide eyed at the people around him. “of, little bird what you doing standing-“Luna swore under her breath, grabbed me by the arm and started moving me towards the exit of the mall. “Luna waits! Slow down.” By the way Lexa was standing so intimately next to the woman she could guess Luna desperation. I stopped by the car yanking my arm away.

“was that her girlfriend?” I pleaded with Luna, I stared her down until she sighed, her shoulders drooped. “her wife” two simple words, that’s all it took for me to feel like my heart was stamped on. I swallowed harshly, “and the boy?” Luna shook her head, she started to stroke my hair. “Aden is Costia’s son.” I nodded to a deep breath. “it’s okay little bird, we will get through this.” I scoffed. Sure, I wasn’t expecting a warm welcome, I knew she would have found someone to be happy with. But it was hard, because while she was happy with her family, I was the one who would fall asleep with her eyes, her smile and her memories on my mind. There wasn’t a day I wouldn’t think about Lexa, the what ifs playing with me, tormenting me. What would become of us, if she didn’t walk away? If I didn’t extend my tour? I shook my head, I can’t start thinking, no I am happy for her. I am glad she found her person. I hugged Luna thankful for the support.

“come on let’s go home, I want to see some Wynona kick some ass.” I rolled my eyes, I got in the car, we drove off, blasting linkin park. Yes, I have my sister’s funeral in week, I still have to talk to Raven and my mom, but I knew that whatever they threw at me, I had my Luna, my rock. That week I didn’t ask for more information. I put it in a box in my head, tomorrow was going to be hard, saying goodbye to Monroe and Emori. I felt strong arms wrap around me and a head on my shoulder. “we’re going to be okay princess. Just one day, then we can properly say our goodbyes the way they wanted to.” “Is everyone going to be there?” bellamy nodded. “what about murphy?” I felt him sigh, he shrugged. “you know our cockroach don’t deal well with feelings.”

I met murphy a year ago, he was a sarcastic pig, who thought he was the shit, a few drinks and a few punches later a beautiful close friendship was born, it also helped when emori was put in my unit, knocked him down a few pegs. “I just hope he’s safe, has he contacted any of you?” Bellamy moved towards the fridge, chucking me a beer. “no, but I know he’s safe. “I cracked open the bottle, took a large gulp. “Raven?” he nodded, I sat down on the bar stool, “will she ever forgive me bell? I miss her so much.” Bellamy came over, wrapped an arm around her, “give her time, she will get the stick out of her ass, everyone will” I scoffed “not everyone.” “about that. Clark, Lexa is coming.” I whipped my head around, nearly choking on my beer. “what! Bell, she didn’t even know them?” bellamy sighed. “when murphy came home that weekend we went to London, he brought emori home, they both hung out with Lexa and co- and they have been friends.” Great, now she had to see her, will she talk to me? Will her, her wife come? A million thoughts went through my head at a speed, I could feel the headache coming. I can do this, it has been years, I am a mature adult who’s faced worse fears then running into your ex best friend, who the fuck am I kidding? I am shitting myself. “princess, you’re going to bump into her one day, why not tomorrow? You won’t have a chance to even look at her, let alone talk to her. Me Luna and Octavia will be by your side.” It didn’t matter anyway. The last thing that will matter is bumping into the green eyes who haunt me.

That night after cuddling with Luna and Bell, i went to bed expecting to stay awake until I could no longer fight it, it was the first night I dreamt of her green eyes, her smirk looking down to me, raven and Anya beside her. “you will kill us all. Monster!” then with that they all started throwing dirt on me, I was being buried alive! I could still hear the chant monster, monster. I cried out, striking out, hitting something hard. I heard a grumble and on the floor was Luna rolling around, “my fucking nose!” shit that something hard was Luna. “Fish! I am so sorry!” I tried getting up, I nearly fell over Lunas body. I grabbed the crutch next to me, my wrists were still in cast, but I found that I could put weight on it, I hopped to the bathroom and grabbed a first aid kit. “get on the bed, stop rolling around you are a fucking wet wipe.” I took her hand and help lift her of the floor. “I am sorry Lu, fuck I think its broken.” Luna laughed. “no shit fuck you got a good right hook. Just set it.” I shook my head “it will hurt like a mother fucker Lu, go get bell to take us to the ER.” “just do it sekon,” I hesitated, I sat on her lap, and fixed her nose. “AHH fuck, fuck a duck, that is bullshit.” I stroked her cheek. “it’s going to bruise; both of your eyes are already swollen.” My throat was thick, everything I touch, turns to pain, anger, hate. I haven’t been home longer than a week and I am causing my family hurt.

Luna sensed my thoughts, grabbed both of my cheeks. “hey, no Clark, you were having a bad dream, it wasn’t your fault.” She was looking at me with so much tenderness no sign of anger, no pity. I leant in, lightly brushed my lips to her soft ones. Luna held back. “are you sure?” I took of my top leaving me in my sports bar. “I want to feel something other than numbness” I kissed her harder, wet her lips with my tongue, she let me enter, the kiss was heating up, I started unbutton her shirt, pushing her down, I started kissing her neck, biting and sucking. I undone the bar clasp and slowly lift the straps down. Revealing hard, straining nipples. I traced the scars that haunt me, pulling her pyjamas down. I looked at Luna who was panting heavily, blown black iris stared back at me, and with a nod, we made each other forget. Got lost in the pleasure. The calm before the storm


	5. Chapter 5 the dead are gone, the living are hungry

Luna POV

  
The funeral was a quiet affair. Men and women from the army showed their respects, both Monroe and emori parents was grateful for the support and love. The hard part was when everyone from Clarks hometown show up. There was Monty and jasper, who would probably get kicked out, looking quiet and awkward. Octavia was with bellamy talking to other mourners. Jackson and miller were both standing in the corner, miller didn’t do well with other people. Especially in grief.  
Then her. Lexa came though the door, with Costia. I have only heard stories, only really seen pictures. She is beautiful with her pouty lips, the greenest eyes she has ever seen. She was in a long black dress, that left her back bare. I took a deep breath and went to find my little bird. We was all struggling today, Clark, she was too calm to be okay, no emotions on display, a blank canvass, I knew when we would get home, with just me and her, she would show me, show me how much pain is suffocating her.  
I saw her standing next to a big built guy, he was talking avidly. I sighed she wasn’t meant to be standing for so long. But she refused to come in her wheelchair. She looked breathtakingly beautiful, we all agreed not where our blues, knowing that it would hurt the family, Clark decided to wear a suit that fit perfectly, with a creamy white shirt tucked in showing a little bit of her greatest assets. Before my mind went to the gutter, someone grabbed me, I jumped, not yet used to people in my personal space.  
“Did you tell her?” Anya was angry, trying to hold it together. “what? Told who? About what?”

  
Anya looked around for minute. “did you tell raven about the money? The contact?” I shook my head, shit this didn’t sound good. “no, I haven’t spoken to her since, we have come back.”  
She laughed, “whoever told her, is fucked up, because now she’s on a war path, she kicked me out this morning.” I tried not to smile, yeah that’s Raven alright do now ask later. I eyed Clark, I could tell she was shaking, I could see the panic attack coming, Lexa was standing on their side of the room, shock all over her face, I turned to Anya “I will talk to you later, meanwhile keep your sister in check”

  
I sped walked over to her grabbed her arm lightly, when she met my eyes, they were fall of despair and sadness. I could tell she was breathing heavily, not wanting to make a scene I pulled her towards the exit. As soon as we got out Clark put her hands on her knees, I slowly stroked her back. I took a shaky breath, it was hard seeing her like this, my heart gave a dull ache. For years I could never understand why Clark was closed off, was never interested in pursuing more with me, I never pushed, I knew something was holding her back. It wasn’t until we were alone in our barracks, I caught her looking at a picture of Lexa. She instantly snapped at me. I thought maybe sharing my story, would maybe help her open to me. I told her how I was with my girlfriend echo since I was sixteen and she was the reason I joined the army, of course when I did, I was too late, I lost echo two days after my graduation. Clark broke down then, started telling me how she was best friends with Lexa since they was eight years old, they met a playground, a little boy was picking on her for having pigtails, Lexa stormed over, pushed him int the mud, and that was that, they was thick as thief’s, all the way through highschool, everyone knew they were more than best friends, but both Clark and Lexa were oblivious. It wasn’t until college that Clark realised, she was in love with her nerd. Clark drove up to surprise Lexa, she had flowers, and her favourite sweet, once she let her feelings clear, Lexa admitted that she always loved her, before anything more could be said or done, Costia came up. After that night Clark avoided Lexa, she was completely heart broken and confused. Why admit her feelings for her, but not state she was dating another woman? How could she just tell her she will text her and just walk away? I never met Lexa, but knew if I ever did she would get the wrath of my tongue.

  
“how could she bring her? Why come at all fish? I just want one simple day without having to face her, hear about her. Since coming home, her shadow is following me. Why can’t I get her out of my head?” my heart broke, I am in love with this girl, always have been since the day we decided to just be friends. But I knew nothing would ever come of it, unless she had closure. I wrapped my arms around her, “you know what you need to do in order to move on little bird. I will be there when it happens, but you need to heal physically first, make sure we are all settled in.” she seamed to accept it. “maybe one day, but for now I just want to be with my family. I’m going to go over to the church say goodbye one last time.” I swallowed harshly. “would you like some company?” she shook her head, I sighed, I hugged her and kissed her on the cheek before walking back in.

“do you think they will talk” I squeaked. I whipped around to bellamy leaning against the wall with a whiskey in his hands, he looked tired.  
“shit, you need to make a noise before coming at me like that bell.” His shoulders sagged. “sorry, I forget we’re not used to the silence anymore.”  
I sighed, grabbing his drink taking a long sip. “they need to, not just for them but- “  
“for you” he interrupted. I slowly nodded. “the only chance I have with her bell is for them to talk” I laughed. “fuck this is like highscool, fucking drama.” He chuckled, lightly patting my back. It was then I noticed raven talking to Lexa and Costia, laughing lightly. “do you think John will turn up?” Bellamy shrugged downing the rest of his drink. “there’s two sides to murphy, and that is not turning up at all, or making a grand entrance, probably the latter seeing as emori parents never liked him.”. Raven was looking over at us, glaring at bellamy.

  
“you’re the one who told her wasn't it?” bellamy gulped. “I didn’t mean to! I was angry, raven was being a bitch, I didn’t mean to slip, but she doesn’t realise what Clark did to protect her!” I shoved him lightly. “that doesn’t matter bell, she won’t think Clarks the best fucking friend ever! She’s too stubborn and probably thinks Clark done it because she thinks she’s charity. This is going to hit the fan. We have only just got back bellamy!” he got in my face his breath heavily on me. “I said I was sorry. I know I fucked up, but it’s done. Stop being overprotective! Clark can handle herself!” I shoved him harder. “our Clark could but the Clark that’s back! She won’t handle the backlash; she won’t survive that! Not after everything that happened at the mountain!”

  
It wasn’t until she stopped, that it was complete silence, I looked around and there was all of them jasper and Monty looking awkward as hell, Raven glaring at us suspiciously, Anya trying to hold her back, Lexa she looked guilty, they were all gawking at us. Bellamy narrowed his eyes and then clapped. “right people the awake is over. Thank you for showing your support emori and Monroe would be proud.” There were murmurs around the crowd, great now I made everything worse.  
Jasper and Monty made their way through, clapped Bellamy on the back, and warily “its good to see you back bro, we should do a game night.” Bellamy laughed. “yeah man, just say the time and we will kick your ass.” Monty mumbled, “only Clark can beat us.” I rolled my eyes, never been to a delinquent’s game night but has heard the stories.  
I turned to bell and told him I was going to get the var ready, and for him to go find Clark.  
When we got home, Clark didn’t speak just went straight to bed, I went to go after her, but there was a knock at the door.

  
“what are you doing here?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my first ever cliff hanger :D who will it be? thank you all for the kudos and comments.
> 
> my partner threatened to dump me if I don't make it a clexa endgame. but I do love the paring of Luna/Clark


	6. in the end it doesnt matter, i tried so hard.

“I would like answers” Luna sighed, weighing her options, she opened the door wider letting her guest in. “she hasn’t came out of her room, you can try, but if you cause her any harm or stress I will physically move you, am I clear?” “kinky. I would like to see you try. Fish.” After that raven moved towards the bedroom Luna pointed out.

Clarks POV

“today is the day we are meant to say goodbye. But I can’t. you both shouldn’t be here. I cheated death so many times. I thought the mountain was time. It certainly wasn’t either of yours. I want to say thank you for giving up your lives for me, but I can’t because I am the one who caused them.” I could no longer hold back, I wasn’t supposed to be here, I was prepared to lay down my gun and let death take me. I took a shaky breath and continued. “do you remember when we met? You two was arm wrestling a couple of guys, betting for the last pack of cigarettes, you didn’t realise when you won there was only one left. You both fell to the ground fighting over something so small and deadly, I walked up, grabbed the pack and snapped the stick in half, you both were so outraged, I thought emori was going to cry, but you Monroe you laughed, grabbed the broken cigarette gave the other half to emori and lit up. You always did find the solution to every problem.” This hard, I felt ridiculous talking to an open grave, but it was calming. “emori never let you forget that one, did she?” I gasped, there he was looking rough as shit, in a crinkled black suit, with two single white roses.

“John! You came.” He looked at the ground, he looked ashamed. “I wasn’t. but I had to see her, even in a box.” My eyes started to sting, I hobbled over to him, straight into his arms, smelling his cheap cologne and smoke. “god, I have missed you. I am so sorry” I let a sob, out. “this is all my fault. “hey cockroach #2, you know it isn’t” he was stroking my cheek, trying to hold in his own heartache. “you know Emori didn’t like being upstaged. I am proud of her, she done what I couldn’t, and I know she will be happy we are all alive, an that’s because of her.” He let out a wet laugh. “she probably up there dancing in Monroe’s face, bragging.” I laughed, he was right, that’s why me and emori got along so well, we were both stubborn and completive as hell. “are you coming home Murph?” he pulled back, he was devastated, loosing a part of himself was shit, everything he did, all he could see was emori, who never let anyone see her soft side, slowly sing him to sleep, or always giving Clark her last cookie that her grandma would send over. He didn’t know how he would ever be able to breathe without feeling the knife in his chest. He looked over Clark, she has lost weight, the scars look more prominent on her face. She was standing with a crutch attached to her left arm, both wrists wrapped in a blue cast. Murphey could see the pain, feel her shaking, despite having warm weather, he nodded to himself. “you bet your ass I am, who else is going to cook the best fajitas in the world? Please say you haven’t been letting Bellamy cook!” I laughed, “Bellamy tried making pancakes yesterday and now we have to get a new pan set.” Murphy shook his head. “well you have me now, I am not going anywhere.” I shook my head, he was guilty, “you have nothing to be ashamed about John, you need time, we all understand.” We started slowly walking to the car, only looking back once.

“so you seen the gang yet? Ooo did Jasper and Monty turn up high?” I sighed. “yes, and no I think it was the first ever event they were both sober, awkward as hell though. But yes, everyone was there.” He was surprised. “raven still hate you?2 I shot him a look; no comeback needed. “and Lexa” I said quietly. Murphy wasn’t surprised, Emori and Lexa met when he came home for the weekend, he didn’t spend much time with her but emori did, they got along well. “I am guessing you know bout Costia?” I nodded, I took a long breathe “everyone’s waiting for me to break, they got married the week before we came home, while I was in hospital. I am happy for her, I am glad she moved on.” He knew that was a lie, but their friendship wasn’t like that, talking about past loves, braiding each other hair, it was a lot more intense than that, both having trouble pasts, and having hard time dealing with their emotions. “are you going to talk to her?” I laughed; this is the question of the day. “I wished everyone would stop asking me that, I mean fuck, I have only just gotten back, I haven’t seen my mom yet, I can’t even fuck walk properly yet, I think she at the bottom of my list.” He sighed; Clark liked to hide from the drama, the feelings. Things in war she was the perfect leader but here? A fucking mess. “what about you and Luna?” I smiled, that was always my reaction when someone would mention her name, I shrugged. “she’s amazing, I couldn’t do this without her.” He wiggled his eyes brows; I rolled my eyes and shoulder checked him. I looked around finding both her ad bellamy looking at us, in shock from seeing murphy. “I don’t think its fair to lead her on, she’s being so patient with me, and I know my feelings for her are stronger than I realise, but until I get closure, answers I won’t do anything, I would fucking hate myself more than I already do if I hurt her.” Murphy nodded, slung an arm around me.

As we got closer to the car Luna hugged murphy and moved to my side, kissing my head. “you okay sekon?” “Sha, can we go home?” I looked around me, and this was it, this is what I only needed my family, my unit, my rock. When we got home, I went straight to my room, my mood started to hit rock bottom, I didn’t want to talk to anybody. I leant my crutch on my desk, took of my dress and laid down in my undergarments. What am I meant to now? Tomorrow I get the casts of my wrists, the doctors said that the nerve damage in my knee is permeant, and I will always have use a stick to be able to walk properly, I will never get to run, only small exercise, I was limited to what I could do, murphy suggested a long holiday somewhere sunny and where the drinks were unlimited. But the thought of going to another country made my heart freeze and my hands sweat. How could I live when others couldn’t? when I first lost a friend to war was atom, he was the first life I ever took, we was in a forest in the triku land, searching for bandits that was sneaking onto our base and stealing supplies, that was the first time we encountered the mountain who let out a fog that made our skin start to burn. Me and Finn managed to find a abandon bunker, atom got there too late, his body burning from the inside. I started to sing a lullaby my dad used to sing when I couldn’t sleep or had a bad nightmare, I slowly took out my knife, and slid it in his neck where he would go quickly. “Yu gonplei ste odon” then there was Finn, the first ever person I slept with since admitting my feelings for Lexa, we were both in the bunker waiting for the fog to clear, I used him, I thought maybe I would help me get over her, but it only made me feel worse about myself, I felt ashamed and dirty for using this boy who quite clearly felt something for me. I paid the price, after falling under the red smoke, being captured by the mountain. Finn went mad, he and bellamy went to find me when they stumbled on to a village that was already crippled by war, Finn thought they had me and started to open fire, killing every man, child and women. In the news it stated suicide, but we all knew what happened. His death was on my hands. I promised myself I would never take one to bed ever again, especially anyone from my unit. That is until I met luna, who was part of the rescue team that saved me from the mountain. She was transferred to my unit and was under my charge. We clicked instantly, she never backed down from a fight and was loyal to her unit. She is fierce, brutally honest, stubborn and beautiful. I knew there was attraction there, I avoided it if I possibly could, until I didn’t. There was hard knock on the door brining me out of my thoughts.

“Luna not now.” “it isn’t Luna.” I knew that voice, I have known it since I was nine years old. I opened my door to reveal Raven, her stony eyes looking me up and down, I forgot I wasn’t dressed, I quickly put on one if Luna jumpers that was on the floor and sat on the bed, not really ready to face the Wrath of Raven Reyes. Raven stood there, a girl who is strong and confident, fiddling with the door handle. I snapped, cutting to the bullshit. “what you doing here Ray? If its to shout at me, you better get the fuck out.” “Why?” one simple word. There were many reasons why I joined the army, but that isn’t why she was asking. I shrugged. “I felt like my life wasn’t going anywhere. I needed something to give me purpose, I was always good at defusing heated situations, I am stubborn, but I was very immature, I knew the army would slap that out of me. And I don’t regret it Raven, it made me the woman I am, I mean was. I’m not sorry i finally put myself first. I am sorry that I didn’t visit I couldn’t not after, not after her, and my mom.” She scoffed, “you could have called! A fucking letter, even a bloody pigeon carrier, but not a fucking word complete silence!” she started to pace the small room, “while you were finding your place, I was in a fucking car accident!” she then turned and got in my face. “while you were god nowhere, I was getting your mom clean. I still cared, after the first year of silence, I made a vow, that when you came back, you would have your mom back, the second year I was laying in a hospital bed wishing you was beside me. The third year? I wish you never would come back.” I felt the tears slowly fall, I whispered. “and now?” Raven faced the ceiling trying not to cry. “and now? After 5 years I find out that my Fiancé has been going behind my back and her sisters, taking money off you! You talked to her but not me! Your own mom had to hear from us that her daughter was injured badly and was coming home. You haven’t even asked or seen her have you? Been to wrap around your own bubble not giving a fuck about everyone else!” something in me snapped.

I shouted, no I screamed. “what I have done was for you! For you all don’t you understand, I f me my team didn’t take down Mount weather you would all be dead! I am sorry I didn’t contact you! I am a coward! I couldn’t face the consequence of my actions! I was too fucking hurt to face anyone especially my mom, the last words I ever said to her was I wish it was her dead, not my dad! And you? She treated you like a piece of shit, and I am glad Anya gave me te time of day to make sure you never felt worthless gain, I done this all for my family, all for you! I bare it so you don’t have to! You want me to say I am the bad guy? Well I am, there such thing is good guys anymore.” I fell down to my knees “you are right I am a monster, I am not meant to be here, I cheated. I can’t do this!” with that I started putting on sweats, grabbed my shoes and crutch, I shot out ignoring Bellamy shouts, dodging Luna as she tried to grab me. I left raven there standing with her mouth open. To stunned to realise that Clark has gone. I couldn’t run like I wanted to, I couldn’t go to gym to let of steam, all I could do was walk through the rain, I miss my home, my home in the army, the missions, the men even the fucking shitty food. I found a small bar, I walked in, not realising I had any cash on me. I went to walk out when someone called out my name

“Clark!” I didn’t recognise the sixty-year-old man, in brown trousers that was so up his bulging belly. Grey beard, shining blue eyes, he came over, kissed me on the cheek, I smiled “Mr. Jenson, its good to see you again. You on a bar crawl?” he chuckled, he led me to bar, “nah, petes closed now, this is my second home! What can I get you? And please call me Charles” i looked around, it wasn’t busy, everyone seemed to no recognised me. “I have no cash, just came in for shelter” he waved his hand away “tonight, we drink, tonight we celebrate you coming home.” I swallowed, have I? “I will have whiskey then please neat.” I sat on the stool beside Charles and felt a warm coat go over my shoulders. “so, what brings you here looking like a wet dog?” I shrugged. “just wanted a walk, needed the air, the space.” “being home that bad darling? Surely its better than being in the triku lands?” I shrugged twirled my finger around my glass before downing it. “I have been there for 4 years; it’s been my home for a long time. It’s weird sleeping in an actual bed, eating food that isn’t limited. The quiet is too loud.” He looked at me with no pity, he waved the bartender back. “Regi I’ll take the bottle please.” Regi gave the bottle, looked to me and said, “you can look after it, make sure he doesn’t go smashing it over a man head, don’t want another lawsuit.” I raised my eyebrows. “what? He deserved it, and I did pay you back” the man shook his head and went to serve another patron. “Regi means well, now you have been home only a week?” I nodded pouring us another.

“I know it’s only a short time, and I need to adjust, but I have so much drama, it’s stopping me from healing, but I can’t run away from it anymore. But facing it feels worse than staring death right in the face, and I have done many of times.” As I continue to drink, my tongue starts to loosen, before I know it has been hours in the bar with Charles, who surprisingly has managed to keep up with me, telling him everything, my story, my heart break. I couldn’t tell him the details about the mountain, but everything I could, just came out. And it felt so good just to talk, to this lovely, kind and generous human being, who doesn’t know the real me. “so, you just up and joined, never spoke to her again?” I shook my head, I swayed trying to pinpoint my glass. “ha no, I am too stubborn give up easily, I went right over to her place a few weeks before I left for my training, I knocked on her apartment door, she let me in, she wouldn’t look me in the eyes.” I took a deep breath, “I tilted her chin up and said.”

_ “I’ve decided to join the military...” she interrupted me with a gasp, slowly shaking her head. She told me that I can’t just run away, I shook my head. “ I am doing it for many reasons. But I want you to give me one reason to stay. Did you mean what you said, or was it out of pity? Guilt?” she took a shaky breath started to walk to the sofa. “Clark, you can’t just come and do this! I – I do, I did love you, I wanted everything with you b-“my hope shot through me like a beacon of light in a dark room. But then she continued. “but I can’t! I am with costia now, I can’t hurt her, your too late Klark.” I shook my head refusing to cry, refusing to give up. “Lex, you’ve always had me, I have been love with you since you cried over Moana, since you refused to watch the rest of teen wolf because they killed Allison. I can’t be too late; I refuse to believe that. Did you tell me you loved me back because you were guilty? No, I believe you want this but your scared to hurt Costia. I understand it but we can work, we can be happy together” I started to beg, plead with my eyes, but I could see it, her choice is final. “I am sorry Clark, but Costia makes me happy, we are working, me and you? We would just hurt each other in the long run, you must think about our friends, what will happen if we broke up? You know you wouldn’t want to cause the divide.” I started to get angry, the excuses the lies. “you’re the coward Lexa! You love me, but too fucking chicken shit to do anything. This is my final goodbye, you’ve ruined me” I couldn’t look at her anymore I turned towards the door. “never contact me again.”_

After that, I got a few letters sent through, but I burnt them, I will never believe a single word she would ever say. “after that I shut myself off, when I started my training a lieutenant caught me staring at picture of me and Lexa, I was on her shoulders at the fun fair both covered in candy floss. He told me, that to be a great soldier, a leader, I must shut of my emotions. Because love is weakness.” I took his words literally promising myself that I would never love again but then Bellamy joined, he ended up in my unit, when he got injured in his first tour, I let my weakness grow, murphy joined I knew I was screwed. Then emori and Monroe joined my unit and finally Luna. They all taught me Love isn’t weakness it was strength; it was the push to get you to that finish line. Lexa taught me to hide my feelings, my family told me to fight with love.

It was getting to closing time when I could barely walk, too many whiskeys and heart felt speeches later, me and Charles was holding each other up, singing linkin park bleed it out, and that’s what Luna and Bellamy heard coming through their door;

"I bleed it out Digging deeper just to throw it away I bleed it out Digging deeper just to throw it away I bleed it out Digging deeper just to throw it away Just to throw it away Just to throw it away" Murphy came out holding his ears, “who fuck let a whale in?” Both Luna and Bellamy had their arms crossed with unimpressed looks, me and Charles was swaying softly, singing to each other. “babe can Charles crash here?” Luna looked over, and suddenly realised that was the man who Clark was sitting on. “where the fuck has you been Clark.” My eyes went wide, I whispered to Charles (not whispered) “uh oh I am in trouble she never uses my name” Charles cackled, he started to move to the couch, Clark helped him lay down, grabbed a blanket. He said “don’t be too hard on our girl Luna, she’s a good girl. Get her to bed, she’s out drunk me and that is saying something.” Bellamy was still in a state of shock, what the fuck is going on? Meanwhile murphy was grabbing a pillow and water for the old man, taking his shoes of, Luna looked at him with question in her eyes, he shrugged. “gotta take care of the elderly and all that shit.” Luna sighed, moved over to Clark who was struggling to stand up, “come on little bird, lets get you to bed.” I smiled dopey at her. My Luna, she’s so sexy when she’s tired. Luna blushed; oops I must have said that out loud. I gave Charles a kiss on the cheek, and with the help of both Bellamy and Luna took me to bed, the both helped me change and get into bed, Luna laid down beside me, bellamy went to go but I grabbed his arm and mumbled “stay” he nodded and got in the other side of me.

Tonight, didn’t go well but once murphy crawled in, it was the first night since I have come back, that I had a full 8 hours sleep. Tonight, turned out to be a good night, I had the family I loved and a grouchy old man by my side, I felt like I could slay my demons, and be happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so people can probably guess, I am a huge linkin park fan and there songs feel right to go with my story :D and I am struggling to think how i could do clexa endgame, but for this story I won't maybe friends but nothing thing more hope you enjoy :)


	7. leave out all the rest.

“Aw yeah right there, oh god!” Luna moaned, which caused Bellamy to wake, “ugh you better not be fucking!” he opened his eyes and laughed, Clark was using her cast to scratch Lunas back. “morning bell.”

Sometimes it amazed him on the things he woke to, morning sex check, a gun to the head check, Clark trying fit on a sports bra that she couldn’t get the hang of, and now this? Don’t get him wrong he loved hearing her laugh, you don’t hear it often anymore. but sometimes he wish he didn't see this, clark straddling Luna rubbing her casts of her back.

something she would only let us see, the scars and burns stuck out like a sore thumb. It made us humble she was here.

“My sister is getting here today so I need to grocery shopping, Bell tag team?” he nodded. I bit my lip, I didn’t know if I was ready to go back out, it didn’t help I was hungover, but I wanted food. I stopped scratching, and got of Luna “hey fish, will you get me a tub of ice cream and beer.” They both made a face, disgusted of my choice of snack, I liked making ice cream floats with beer, why is that so weird?

“what time is your hospital appointment?” shit I forgot about that, I grabbed my diary (I haven’t got a phone) “two, so I’m going to shower, Luna you coming with?” Luna got up so fast he legs tangled in the sheets, she got back up with no dignity, winked then picked Clark up in a fireman carry, you could hear there giggling, he shook his head, checked the time, he better make breakfast. Moans started seeping through, yup he better goes.

When Bellamy walked into the kitchen, he saw Charles with his kiss the cook apron on making... mm bacon.

“good morning Mr. Jenson.” This is so weird, he didn’t know if to be happy he didn’t have to cook, or wary of having a stranger in our house.

“please Charles will just be fine. I made eggs and bacon; can you cook toast?” Bellamy looked up offended, although he couldn’t. “Clark told me a lot about you.” I was surprised, Clark didn’t like to open especially to strangers. “the whiskey always loosens your tongue but don’t fret, I am a friend, I would not use, or abuse the information she has given me.” I nodded letting out a breath. “so, if you don’t mind me asking, why are you here? I mean don’t you think it’s strange you are here?”

“oh, leave him alone bell, he got me home safely and has been a perfect gentleman.” Clark came up the breakfast stall. Charles winked. “I am just waiting for the third date.” I laughed, bellamy shuddered, strong arms wrapped around me. I leant my head back against Luna sighing in contentment.

“after breakfast can you take Charles home please, I am sure his daughter is going mad with worry.” Charles ducked his head down, muttering a “shit” I smiled, this man after knowing him for so little time, he’s come be a place in my heart.

Murphy finally came out of his room picked up a place, served himself and muttered a thanks, looks like I wasn’t the only one drowning my sorrow.

After breakfast Bellamy took Charles home after getting his number, I needed to get a phone today. I leant my head on Luna shoulder, she was on Facebook looking at a video of a man trying to balance on a bridge. “what a dickhead, some people amaze how stupid they can be” he fell no surprise there. Luna laughed “it’s amazing what you can do on the internet now, look you can get free porn!” I raised my eyebrows, I slowly moved my and under the waistband of her shorts, with a hitched voice, “yes?” I shook my head and started to slowly move my fingers through her folds. “I don’t think you need that do you?” Luna shook her head, she dropped the phone, turned, and slid her tongue in, I slowly played with her clit, building her up slowly, she grabbed the hem of my shirt and pulled. I started to get frustrated, my cast not letting me go any deeper than I wanted to Luna must have sensed it, she pulled back, started guiding me to the bedroom, she wiggled her eyebrows, and whispered in my ears. “how about you show me what that mouth can do” she looked me up and down, started slowly massaging breath “later you can the fuck me with you long fingers.” I through her to the bed, kissing my way down to reach her hips, I looked up to dark blown wide eyes, and smirked, Luna gulped

“I defiantly don’t need free porn.”

I was in the waiting room at the hospital, I finally had my cast taking off, and I was just waiting for the results on the nerve damage on my knee, Luna got impatient and went for a smoke.

“Clark?” I turned and saw Raven standing there nervously.

My eyes hardened. My fists clenched; I took a long deep breath.

“what you are doing here raven?” she sat opposite me. “I came for a check-up. Look I wanted to apologise wait no fuck that I don’t, but I also don’t want to avoid you forever, I still love you Clark, some things may be hard to forget but I can forgive you, I want us to be friends and again.” I swallowed harshly, Raven isn’t usually the one to back down first, it was always me. I sighed, I didn’t want to fight either, but she still hurt me, I still hurt her, there was a lot of bridges to fix, but I can believe with time and work we could be what we use to be.

I nodded “sure Ray, maybe we could grab a coffee sometime? Talk,”

“what you are doing after this?” I bit my lip. Maybe I could kill one bird with two stones.

“me and Luna are going to for a coffee after, would you and Anya like to come?” she furrowed her brows. “how did you know Anya was here?”

I can see her hiding behind that corner, plus she walks loudly.” I heard Anya grumble, she came out, sat next to Ray and glared. I raised my eyebrow.

“look we all have the same friends; I don’t want future events divided. We can still get along Anya you don’t have to hide from me, if me and ray can work this out you will be seeing a lot more of me and Luna”

“what about me” I grabbed her hand before she went over to Anya “sit down. Now were going to finish here, and then we’re going for coffee, if you two don’t behave I am doing the T shirt punishment do you understand?” they both looked at me confused. Raven laughed so much she ends up snorting. Raven explained “When me and Octavia used to fight Clark came up with this idea to get an extra-large t shirt and put both us in it until we sorted our differences. Man, never got along, that T shirt still at mine you know?” I smiled, “good, we might need it soon” with a pointed look at Anya and Luna who were both looking disgusted at the thought of being that close.

Anya spoke first. “fine, but you’re buying.” I shrugged. I heard the nurse call out my name, I told the others that I would be back, Luna squeezed my hand on the way, I gave her a small smile.

Luna POV

“so, Raven what do you do now?” the atmosphere was awkward as fuck, trying small talk was like a bad taste in my mouth, but I had to try for her sekons sake.

“I am an mechanic down at the dropship.”

“nice, what about you?” I looked over to Anya, she huffed. “I own the bar next to it.” I nodded, I heard it was the most popular bar in town now.

“what’s it called. Her face was deadpanned. “the dropship.” I sighed, I was not getting anywhere with either of them, I opted for silence, looking around the bleak halls.

This is going to be fun, fucking not. I would rather be in the triku lands getting chased by a puana.

After 20 minutes Clark came through, her shoulders we sagged, her face angry. I held her by the cheeks. “little bird?” Clark laughed, “I have to go and pick up a cane. A cane Fish, I can never run again!” shit this was bad. “we will get you through this.” But as I looked her over, I could see the cold seep through, the eyes I love start to dull, shit, shit this was fucked. I looked over to Raven and Anya who was standing there with their hands in their pockets. I sighed “guys maybe we could grab a coffee another time.” Clark shook her head “fuck that, I could use a stiff drink, ladies?” Anya looked uncomfortable, raven shrugged “fuck it I am in” Anya sighed; she will always go were ever her fiancé goes. I looked over to Clark I could see she was slowly closing. “I don’t think this is a good idea little bird.” She shrugged me off, “no, we need to go to a bar, why not Anya’s? Yeah! We could call up the old gang, reminisce in the good old days!” oh fuck no is that happening.

It was happening I had Clark next me drinking her whiskey like its water and surprisingly enough laughing and joking with raven, Jasper came with his new girlfriend Maya, who he met at star trek invention. There was Bellamy and Murphy playing pool, and Anya at the bar, looks like talking on the phone.

In a way I was glad Clark and raven seemed to be getting along, but I know tonight is going to end up in more heart break, I had a sense for these kinds of things, plus I think I fucking attract teen drama.

“Babe, do you remember the three headed deer? This fucker came at us, we thought we was hallucinating, it wasn’t until ot started to charge at bellamy, that we knew it was real, creepy fucker two, wish I could show you man there was some weird sights.” I squeezed her leg slightly warning her to not to go in into too much details.

Meanwhile over at the bar Anya was swearing. “Lexa you can’t come okay? Look its just a small gathering and she- “

“come on an, I haven’t seen jasper and Raven in ages, me and Costia need to get out, Aden is at his grandmas, we are now getting an uber see you soon love you, bye!” Lexa hung up before she could tell her what’s she’s about to walk into.

Shit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so tried a small but of smut, I kinda think ive got it? probably not lol.


	8. chapter 8 Don't resent me And when you're feeling empty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like to thak everyone for the lovely comments, and the ones that mad me realise some things I need to change, thank you for staying with me :D

back n high school my nickname was part girl griffin, I was the best at beer pong, could chug down a beer in 5 seconds, I mean I can still do that, but this time, it didn't bring the fun out, I was slowly folding in myself, barely talking to anyone. it was good talking with raven, I learned that her and Anya are getting married in a months time, that Raven started talking to her mom again, who was clean. but now? I felt the darkness closing in. I could feel the cold stiffen my bones, my hands start to shake. the room was getting smaller. I looked around me, Raven was playing darts with Bellamy. Luna seemed to be having a heated argument with Anya. I sighed, I better go defuse the situation.

"you need to stop her from coming, I don't care how you fucking do it Ann!"

who? Fish?" I looked between them I could see the anger, hurt and scared look in Luna's eyes. Anya was shaking her head. "I am sorry Clark, I tried to stop her but-"

the hair on my arms stood up, I gritted my teeth. "who Anya?" but I knew, deep in my gut. I sat down, trying to process everything that was happening. 

I felt the breath leave my lungs, everything stood still, when blue eyes connected with green it was like a explosion, all the emotions, the memories came rushing through my mind at 80mph. memories of her teaching me how to braid my hair, causing a food fight between her and my parents. shit what do I do? I need to leave- wait no I don't, I was here first, I sound immature, but my mood was already ruined, I won't let her take me down. I squared my shoulders, took a deep breath and turned towards the bar ordering another jack Daniels.

meanwhile Bellamy was already storming over with a gobsmacked Raven in tow, Murphy rolled his eyes, and walked over to Clark. "you know I used to have a nice life before I met you grif, now it's full of a teen drama show and shitty beer." I laughed, I raised my glass and said "cheers to that" we clinked glass, and downed them, sticking my hand out for another. Murphy looked over, "it looks pretty awkward over there. oh look even Jasper and Monty here!" I perked up, that means...

"hey jas! come over here." Jasper looked between the two groups, one was trying to hold Luna back, and two looked ready to run, fuck it, and walked over to clark.

"hey grifmonster" I flinched at the last part, forgetting that Jasper used to call me that ever since I chucked his xbox at the wall. yeah I can get aggressive, especially if I lost, fucking stupid bandicoot. I gave him a small smile, "hey Jas, you got any of the wacky backy?" he raised his eyebrows at me, I wasn't the one to really get high out of all the others, chose to be the more sensible ones. he nodded, pointing to his coat. he moved his head to side, showing the fire exit. I looked over again, Costia was at the bar, Bellamy was still holding Luna back. I sighed, I needed to get her out of here. 

when I walked over Costia gave me a smile, I tried giving one back but it was more like a grimace than a smile. I turned to Lexa who was doing her nervous trait which was playing with the ring her mom gave to her before she left. I stuttered "Lexa" I went to grab Luna hand, squeezing for to calm down, she slowly took s tep back, turned to me, her eyes they were on fire, burning with such intensity I had to look away, as I pulled Luna away, Costia spoke up. " hey my names Costia. Clark isn't it? I am glad you made it home, can I buy you a drink?" I clenched my fist. she didn't even know who I was, I looked over Lexa, disgusted. I wonder what would happen if she knew the full story, but I wasn't getting involved. 

"I would love to but we're gonna head out." with that I stormed out with Luna and Bellamy falling behind. I spotted Monty and Jasper, they gave me a small joint, handed me a lighter and we both sparked up.

the first hit made me cough, I glared at Luna who was laughing, I handed it to her. "try it dickhead you won't be laughing." and she did, but she took it like a pro. she shrugged, "I used to be a proper free spirit in my teens, no one knew me as Fish, just the girl who got so stoned that I thought I was being chased by the cops and ended up hiding in a police station, man I missed those days." I giggled, "did you get arrested." she gave me a look, like it was obvious. I took another hit, then I handed it too her. "I was naked, and high of course they did, my ass got serious whooping after that." I started to laugh, and not the attractive laugh, I turned to Jasper and Monty. "do you remember that time you both snuck into the cafeteria in morning, you had the munchies, and wanted cake, I will never forget the look of the dinner ladies face when they came seeing you both on the floor covered in flour, you couldn't work the oven so you ate the batter instead." I was holding my stomach I was with them trying to talk them out of it, but I ended up videoing the whole thing Monty and jasper wrestling on the floor, arguing and getting in a fight because they couldn't tun the oven on, I think even Monty started to cry. both Luna and Bellamy was pissing themselves, while Jasper and Monty held there stomach with a grimace of their face. 

Bellamy started. " I wasn't there but Octavia, man I never forget Octavia coming home with Clark still laughing, they told me what happened. you both got the shits at school and couldn't get off until school finished." I wiped the tears from my eyes, that was such a funny week, all of the students would never get over hearing the story. this is what I needed. reminiscing about our school life the good times. Luna slung her arm around me, "you alright little bird?" I shook my head, the mood slowing drifting back to that dark and cold shadow that will always follow me. "I'm not going to let her dictate where or who I can hang out with Lu, I am going back in, have a good time with my friends, and go home. I can't put my life on hold waiting for her, I will talk to her when I am ready." she nodded gave me a squeeze. I put out the joint and went back in, walking straight over to the bar with Luna sliding next to me.

* * *

* * *

Lexa POV 

when I walked in I wasn't expecting Anya speed walking over to me, with a pissed of look. I was confused what have I done. 

"you can't be here, I told you not to come." I shook my head, frowning "no you said you was having a small gathering, what can't we come?" Anya pulled her hair back, with two simple words, made my eyes close and my heart stop.

"Clarks here," Costia chose that moment to come up to my side.

"parking is shit here, I'm going to get us drinks, babe?"

"I'll meet you there." she kissed my cheek and headed away from us, I swallowed harshly. I knew she was back, the news told me of her heroics in the mountain, I was immensely proud of her. even though I had to no right to be, I was happy she was here, alive, when my eyes locked on them deep shinning blue eyes, it was like going through a photo album. she is still the beautiful short blonde she saw over 6 years ago, she was a lot more muscular, she had a cane, I wonder happened. I wanted to go over to her so bad, that I took a step, but someone was now blocking my view, she was also beautiful, she reminded me of an amazon warrior, with fierce eyes, curly black hair, she was talk had an athletic build like herself, she looked angry. 

"you have no right being here, branwoda." I glared, wh was this woman, why was she so angry. Anya tried to defuse the situation. she could see this ending badly, raven was now by my side, while Bellamy had a light grip on Luna's arm.

"she didn't know she was going to be here."

"and who's fault is that?" Bellamy growled. Raven looked between all of them. "guys this isn't the place, she here now, the damage is done, she knows Lexa is here."

I looked over to Clark, she was walking over here shit! how ca I face her, after what I done!? she was talking to the women. I couldn't anything but ringing around be, everyone looked blurry. "Lexa, I got you white wine, and I thought that was a blod-" Costia stopped, she could sense the tension, could cut it with a knife, it wasn't until she realised who was standing there, of course she knew who Clark was, she found Lexa staring at photo one night, it was the two of them, they were both looking at each other with ice cream around their mouths, she would never forget the feeling of jealousy and hatred to girl who she didn't know, because Lexa never looked at Costia like that. she cleared her throat and introduced her self. meanwhile I was fighting a raging storm inside, do I talk to her? pretend that I didn't hurt her or myself? that I didn't fuck up the one relationship that mattered the world to me? Clark and the girl she heard was Luna walk away, a part of me wanted to stop her, talk to her, or just look at her. it has been 6 years since I last saw her, spoke to her, and yet my first instinct was to go over to her, make sure she ws okay. I shook my hea, my htoughts running away from me, I grabbed Costia's hand. "we need to leave" Costia shot me a look. "babe we just got here." I sighed, I hated lying to her, I knew I should of told her about how Clark was the one who came to the door that night, that I loved her. but I couldn't, I do love costia and I knew this would hurt her, so I never said anything.

" I don't feel well, you stay i'm gonna call a cab." 

Costia sighed, grabbing her purse. "no, we all know what you are like when you're ill. we need to have another get together, Ray maybe you could invite Luna, Clark and Bellamy over, bye guys." as we walked away, I quickly told her I will be right back, I I asked the bartender for a pen, grabbed a napkin, and wrote my number, with a small message.

* * *

Clark POV 

when I went back in, they were gone, I was relived, yet I felt some disappointment, a small part inside of me wishing she would of at least acknowledge my existence. I told Luna to get an Uber while I went to say goodbye to raven.

"hey Ray me and Luna are heading out, call me when you're next free." she gave me a huge hug. I missed her hugs, they were rare and hard to come by unless it was a special occasion. when she did I felt a small object in my hand, she gave me a sincere smile, nodded.

"before anything happens griff, just know a lot can change in 6 years." I nodded, a bit confused. Luna came and got me when it was time to leave, hugging Bellamy and Murphy, telling them we would see them in the morning,

when we got in the car, I opened the napkin to read, I gasped it was Lexa. 'when you are ready, please call me. Lexa.'

"you alright there little bird." I gave her a small smile, this in my hand was the answer to my question. I will get closure. I leant my head on her shoulder.

" I will be Fish."

she kissed my head, and whispered. "with me and you against the world.


	9. Chapter 9 Stoner than i was

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Before I met you, I bet you I'll be just fine without you  
And if I stumble, I won't crumble, I'll get back up and uhh  
But I'mma still be humble when I scream "Fuck you"  
Cause I'm stronger than I was

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> anyone Eminem fans? yeah I have a weird taste in music. I have been stuck, I feel like I am not getting anywhere with the story but I will finish it

if you asked me 6 years ago I would be that girl who took life by the balls, but now standing in a empty hallway watching other people fill out application forms, shake hands with the employers, talk a load of bullshit to get hired, I feel hopless.

" I don't know why we are here, we have only just gotten back, princess?" I sighed, I couldn't take sitting at home, it was too much gaming, eating and wearing the same sweats three days in a row.

"what else am I going to do Bell? we need money, and I am bored." I moved along the queue noticing a lot of young people. "we hve savings, we could go on holiday?" I scoffed "please you even said that you would rather spend time with Octavia. Plus we have a wedding in a week." Anya and Raven's wedding was coming, I was shitting it, not only about seeing Lexa, but the people that will overcrowd us, the obnoxious music. Bellamy sighed, he hated this, Clark was never negative, she found the light in everything, he didn't know how to help, sure he did when they were both on the base, but he doesn't think whisky and poker would work. no this time he needs someone to talk to, someone who is a stranger, maybe aslo have some qualifications. but ever since snapping at Luna for even mention it, kept his mouth shut.

"why are you here bell? you already got in college, fully funded by the way." I raised my eyes, he shrugged. I knew he was nly protecting me, lately I haven't been the best of friends, and I know they are walking on eggshells, well except murphy, he just hits me in the shoulder and go in his room. Luna she's been a star, but I can also see her patience wearing thin, but I think that's due to the napkin burning in my dresser.

"I wanted to get out too, there isn't much more I can take than smelling murphy from his room, and Luna trying new recipes." I laughed, Luna got a job at a bakery that's around the corner from us, she was told to start learning to cook a proper cake since she gave an elderly couple from down the street food posining. I was finally first in the queue, shot I haven't picked a section. she was at the job opening at Walmart. fuck it I went left, filled out an application, and got the fuck out of here.

"can we go to the gym across there?" he sighed, his head dropped. "Clark.." I cut him off. "I am not an invalid bell." I snapped, starting to stalk towards the entrance. "it's only one leg, I can still work out." he grabbed my wrist.

"I know that princess, but you still have wounds both physical and mental, this isn't a good idea!" I yanked my hand back "you are not my therapist Bellamy I can fucking handle myself!" he threw his hands up in there air. "than fucking get one Clark stop using us as a punching bag! what's so wrong with getting help? we do. stop being so pig-headed that you think you are above us all!" shit, this was bad. he started to walk of, I should of stopped him, but he was right. but the thoughts, the nightmare's in my head, they always say the same thing. I don't deserve any help. they said it when I woke up this morning, when I couldn't reach my Cain, Luna tried to help but I snapped at her and they said it when I started freaking out when the fire alarm went off due to Luna's cooking, every corner, every shadow told me I was not supposed to be here.

I avoided going to the gym, I went for a walk instead, maybe the air would help clear my thoughts, I walked upon a park, deciding to sit down, people watching.

00f 

what the fuck? laid in my lap was a football. I started mumbling, I looked up where a couple of men who were standing around, assuming it was them I went to storm over to them when a little voice stopped me.

"I am so sorry mam! I didn't swee you!" there swaying softly, looking adorably guilty was the boy she saw at the mall. Aden.

I smiled softly. "it's okay, little one, here. now be careful" another voice came over, sounding out of breath, " I am so sorry I didn't men to throw it so fa- Clark" fuck she was everywhere. she bent down and whispered in Aden's ear. 

"how are you?" I laughed. I stood up unsteadily I brushed the wet glass of my lap. "no you don't have the fucking right to ask that, even talking to me!" I growled, I started to walk when, soft delicate fingers wrapped around my wrist "please Klark" I closed my eyes, the way she says my name nearly brought me to my knees. "can we talk? I" she cleared her throat. " I would like to talk, I know I have no right in your life anymore but I would like the chance to explain." I frowned.

"explain what Lexa how you said you loved me, but stayed with her? or the fact she doesn't even know me!" she took a step back at my outburst. I could hear her heavy breathing. in quiet voice she begged "please, one chance. and I will leave you alone." I sighed, I couldn't do this, but isn't this the first step in starting my life in Arcadia?. get one demon out of the way, then I could start on the hundred more?

"fine, but will decide when. don't contact me before." she nodded, I walked away, my hands shaking my breath coming out short, I could deel the panic settling in. no I will not let her get to me. I started to run, it was painful, but I pushed through it, not giving a fuck if I looked weird, or that with every punch of the concrete my knee was on fire.

I didn't get very far, I was outside a bar. I laughed, fate looking down at me with a mischievous wink. third time the charm and it was the same bar, I met Charles in. I walked in, knowing there wouldn't be much patrons due to the time, I sat up a stool, rubbing my knew, I pulled up my trousers and gasped, it has swollen twice the size, it was glowing an angry red. shit, everyone will moan. Pete came up to me, with already what looks like a bottle of whiskey and some ice.

" I could see that from the other side of the bar, shit, here take this I have bandaged in the back." I muttered a thank you, grabbed the ice and sighed in relief. I downed the drink, poured another one. I checked my phone, still getting used to having a touch screen phone.

\- **Fish babe. - where are you?**

**-queen of bellend.- 'm sorry princess, I am just worried about u :(**

**-fish babe- babe just come home, I perfected the hole bun.- **

**I laughed, quickly shooting a reply.**

**-griffin- it's okay bell, just don't be. luv you <3 **

**-griffin- I am safe, it's a doughnut babe..**

I put my phone down, slowly sipping my drink this time.

"my war hero is back!" Charles clapped me on the back.

"Charles! back here so soon?" he slapped my hand away when I poured another glass.

"where's your manners girl, and my glass?" I laughed, asking Pete for another.

Bellamy says I need professional help, but this drinking the cheapest, most disgusting whisky with a sixy year old man, who was more wise than any therpast ever.

"so you need to ring her, no text her tell her your expectations, then move on Sargent, you have an amazing young lady waiting for you at home. Mrs. Woods, has gravely made a mistake, a huge one at that, don't go on her terms, don't let her feed you excuses. you go to hear what she has to say and then leave. and as for the nightmares Clark" he paused, swaying softly, he looked at me, with fire in his eyes. took a rather large gulp, and fixed me with an intense stare. "you young lady need to stop hiding behind the nightmares, the memories, hell even the army. you need to face your demons, no snapping and pushing your friends away, I know you may feel like you don't deserve to be here, that all your comrades should be here instead of you, but that is bullshit my friend. you are selfishly wasting a life here in this dingy bar moaning about a life they can't have, they laid down their lives for you and your friends to come home again, if it was me I would celebrate and appreciate the life they have given you. not wallow in self pity and shitty whiskey." I was shocked. it was like someone poured cold icy water all over me. I can see Bellamy in my mind crossing his arms and shaking his head, 'I told you, yet you realise when a old man tells you off' all this time, moaning about jobs, wasting my thoughts, my energy on the past. pushing away my family all for something that I can't change. I didn't realise I was crying.

"you're right Charles, maybe life should be about more than surviving." he clinked his glass

"cheers to that. now drink up I better get you home." I raised my eyebrows, "couch?" he nodded grabbing his jacket, leaving a hefty tip on the counter.

when me and Charles got in, three of my people were both standing with their arms crossed, shaking their heads. Luna sighed, grabbed me and started to drag me to my bedroom, Murphy grabbed the blanket and water for Charles and Bellamy padded to his bedroom grumbling.

I slowly got dressed, trying not to put pressure on my knee, Luna caught me wince and ordered me to sit down.

"what did you do?" she whispered. I told her about bumping into Lexa and freaking out.

"you shouldn't of done that little bird, you could of damaged it even more." 

"no, I already checked, just swollen. look I am sorry for being a prick, you don't deserve any of the shit I threw you, you have been there with me all this time and I" I stopped, I didn't want to start crying, but looking at Luna, caused my heart to swell, my eyes to water. "and I don't want to be just friends with me." her eyes widen in a comically cute way. "what I am trying to say is, after my talk, I would really like to take you out on a date." she flew in my arms, kissing all over my face. I giggled never getting used to seeing her so carefree. "yes, yes of course little bird." my eyes were shining, all the alcohol I have consumed has nothing on Lunas radiant smile making me drunk, drunk on love. I had her face in my hands, stroking her cheeks slowly. " I am going to woo you so hard" her laugh was infectious. before I could show her how much I was going to woo her, I grabbed the phone out of my jean pocket.

**-unknown number- tomorrow at the dropship. 2pm.**


	10. Chaper 10 Numb.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hey sorry guys it's been a while, been working a lot. hope ya enjoy.

**Clark:** _coffee shop on the corner on south street 10 0'clock._

**Unknown**: _i will be there Clark_.

There. it was done, now I have two hours to wait, to overthink the outcome. all I knew is that I need is answers and closure, then I can finally move on. i was sitting on the couch scrolling through my new phone, Luna downloaded all of the social media apps, which I didn't really care about, snapchat was fun, Bellamy has already tagged me in a million of videos of weird and funny things. "you know what makes snapchat even better?" I Jumped, I turned to Luna leaning against the couch, she was smirking. she took her phone out and started to fiddle with it. my phone vibrated with a notification, Luna sent me a picture. I smiled, it was her just in her combat trousers and boots, winking to the camera.

i raised my eyes. "isn't this when we got separated for pulling the pranks on heifer and joules?" she nodded "yeah, I sent it to your phone-" I burst out laughing my shoulders shaking, "that was you! I remember Bellamy coming in our room blushing, he said some one sent him a nude." she was blushing so hard. she came of and started to trail her fingers lightly down my arm, I had Goosebumps, my arousal building. I sighed "I thought we was going to wait?" she was inches from my face, I could smell the mint from her mouth wash. "I know, but it's so hard keeping my hands of you, i just want to get lost in you, to feel you shudder beneath me" she paused, training her lips down my neck, I gasped feeling her lightly suck my neck. "to shout my name, pull my hair, make that mewing noise when you come." I grabbed her hair and smashed my lips to her, demanding entrance. Luna took my breath away, I sat in her lap, slowly grinding down on her lap. "we really need to stop, I have to g-" Luna stopped me with her hand, roughly grabbing my breast, I ground down harder, trying to find the friction I needed.

"hey guys did Murph- NO MY EYES!!!" we sprung apart, we were both heavily breathing. "shit what was the number 1 rule when we bought this Fish!" Luna eyed me wearily, she mumbled "no sex on the couch" he threw his hands up "now your on dish and toilet duty!" I giggled, I stood up, i need to go shower, a very cold one. "I don't know where your going Young lady! your on laundry and shopping duty!" I groaned both things he knew I hated. I stomped towards the shower mumbling. once Clark closed the bathroom door, Bellamy started to the kitchen. "thought you to was trying the whole dating thing" Luna shrugged. "we are, it was a slip. i can't help it when I'm with her, I just can't wait for this day to be over than tomorrow I can take her on a date and woo her" Luna shyly looked down to her feet suddenly feeling nervous, it was a big thing for Luna to open up about her feelings, especially when it came to Clark. waiting for nearly two years for Clark to be ready was torturer, but she never lost hope. "hey, Fish she loves you, everyone who looks at you to together knows it. you just need to relaxe be yourself." she nodded letting out a deep breath, she was more scared of how this talk was going to go, all her insecurity's crawling at the back of her throat.

* * *

I was early, I wish I didn't have the motto of on time is late and early is on time drilled into my head, I was now nervously tapping the counter, slowly sipping my coffee. this place as nice, it was a small coffee house, full of hipsters and high schoolers but that was good. I checked the time again. 9:59am. Lexa was always early, at every class and every party, she would be the one helping the hosts set up. if she didn't come, then that was it. no longer was waiting for a ghost.

"hey, sorry I am late, traffic is a bitch." I jumped not realising Lexa walking up to me, still not used to sudden noises. I nodded. she was still as beautiful as ever, with long legs that was covered in black skinny jeans, with a vest top and her signature leather jacket. I didn't know how to start this, luckily I don't have to.

"look, I can tell this isn't where you want to be, but I really would like to explain, maybe even go so far where we can be friends." I scoffed, rolling my eyes.

"really? how? how can you say that after these years, do you know how much that hurt? even after I confessed my feelings I at least thought we was friends first no not just friends best friends! yet you admit you felt the same, but never mention you was dating Costia!" my raised voice startled other patrons, I eyed them apologetically.

Lexa was ripping up her napkin, she was afraid. of me?

"I- It was complicated. I met Costia in class and we got chatting, you just was busy with your stuff, especially with your dad and mom, I wanted to tell you so badly, and when you came over, and just laid out your feelings for me, I was happy after all them years I wanted more, but I never knew how oblivious I was to the signs that you felt for me, I just blurted out my love for you, I admit was and still am an arsehole, I was going to end my relationship with Costia, but something happened, something disgusting and truly monstrous, Costia was in a bad place, I couldn't leave her. and I am truly sorry. I did write to you, trying to explain my reasoning." 

"so you stayed with her for obligation and guilt?" wow, she really wasn't the girl I knew.

"no! I mean at first yes, I was a coward and I stayed, I liked Costia and made a decision with my head not my heart. when you left I felt like a part of me went with you, but I knew in order for me to let you go, no matter how much it hurt, I had to close those feelings off. me and costia started to get serious, and I do truly love her, we built a life together but she never will be you and I have learnt to accept that."

I was shocked, this wasn't what I was expecting. this was wrong, she was wrong. I was slowly shaking my head. "does Costia even know this? know our history? do you know much this wrong Lexa? you stayed with her, because you felt bad? you're married and have a son! how far in your own head did you go, to use a girl you don't really love and have a kid with her!"

her eyes harden, sitting up straight she leant in close. "don't you dare judge me! I was the only person she had left! and yeah maybe I wasn't with her for the right reasons, but I grew to love her to want to spend the rest of my life with her. Aden is a beautiful smart little boy, whom was born not out of love, but greed and righteous! I love that little boy like he is my own, but he isn't and you can't just come in here and say things like that! you don't know what I have been through!"I laughed standing up, this was a bad idea.

"what you have been through? I have killed, been tortured and kidnaped I have lost more friends than I can handle! I lose the love of my life out of guilt, selfishness and obligation. you! you have a career you dreamed of when we was little, a family. yet you are sat here, saying how hard you have it? you can sit on your high horse and fuck off!" I went to storm off but long delicate hands wrapped around my hands.

"Don't go! please, I didn't mean to get angry, I am sorry I didn't mean for that to come out that way, I just mean me and Cos went through shit yeah there is no excuse for I did to you and I am truly sorry, but no matter the cowardness or 'obligation' I stayed. do I think it was a mistake to let you go? yes a million times yes but I do not regret staying. because I helped my wife through the darkest of times. and I know that isn't what you want to hear, but it's truth." my shoulders sagged, I tried not to show her that I was on the verge of tears, I sniffed quietly, "then what am I doing here?" I heard her inhale deeply.

"I wanted to apologise, to try and tell you my side, to maybe being friends again, I know we can't get back what we had, but I want to be in your life, whether I deserve it or not is up to you. I want to get to know you again, learn about the life you have had. please give me a chance."

fuck. this was fucked up. after all this, the small part inside of me wanted to shout yes! I want my best friend back, but the past still haunt me, she still haunts me. I grab my jacket. "I don't think we can, maybe in the future. all I can offer is being civil since we have the same friends."

she looked away, seeming to think it over. she nodded. I turned to walk away but paused. "and Lexa?"

"yeah Clark?

"I won't lie for you. if she ever ask a question about us? I won't lie." after that I walked out, pulling my phone, typing in the one person who could cheer me up.

"hey Luna"


	11. can I love again? or will it break me?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it's the first date.

"Thank you for coming with me ray, I have no clue what I am doing." I asked Raven to meet me at the mall, I needed help picking out an outfit for tonight, also living in the barracks for 3 years didn't consist of much Clothes, just the basic. Raven agreed to come with me and it was nice to spend time with her, even if some silence was awkward.

"gotta help my girl out, it's the big night. you nervous?" was I? no, I needed this, so did Luna who I knew was waiting patiently.

" I actually have never been on a date." I was a bit embarrassed to admit it. even before the army, and Lexa, I never seen the whole attraction of putting myself out there I was too insecure, to in my shell. I really hope I don't fuck this up. 

Raven was looking at me, like a fish out of water, I playfully closed her mouth. I smirked. "I know how is it possible? I am a catch. but I never dated anyone, sure I slept around, but there wasn't much time for dates in the army, Plus my mind wasn't in it or my heart." I looked at my shoes. Lexa put me off if she couldn't love me than who could? before I went through a downward spiral, Raven hip checked me.

"how about this? do you know where you're going?" she was gratefully changing the subject, and holding up a sparkly jumpsuit that had a plunging neckline. I raised my eyebrows. Raven giggled. "yeah I guess your taste hasn't changed much. come lets head into levies, know the perfect Jeans that will make Luna faint."

we went from shop to shop, picking up varies of outfits, and the main one for this evening. we grabbed lunch and sat on a bench next to the fountain. it was busy, kids running round while parents chat, teenagers taking selfies with their typical starbucks in their hands.

"do you ever wonder where you would be if you didn't join up?" Raven brought out of my musings. I shrugged, not really thinking about it.

"I probably would of failed college, got kicked out, couched surfed between you and Bell, maybe a 9 to five at chucky cheese. who knows?." Raven frowned. "didn't you want to be an artist?" yes, before my dad died, he was the one who believed that I could make it, that I could show the world a different perspective of art, the beauty, the pain. 

"I haven't picked up a paint brush since the funeral. maybe in the future, but for now I just want to get used to being here again, I want to amend bridges, take a girl who I really like out on dates and show her the world, I want my friends back." I didn't want to live for the future, I just wanted to go with the flow, my mom always said I was a free spirit and she was right, I am too laid back, I don't let drama, or arseholes dictate my life, but I knew I will have to grow up soon, savings will soon go, Luna, Murphey and Bellamy would probably like to start there life, but me? I felt like everyone was moving on from the army, and it has only been a few months and I already want go back. Raven patted my knee,

"hey I am more than alright than having you here, hell I would differently like to see party girl griffin come back. I know there is a lot to figure out, but I am really glad you are back." I smiled softly, I missed her too, but would that be enough?

* * *

it was time. Luna was already out, claiming that she wanted to do it properly, pick me up 7 with flowers and all that. I remembered the conversation when I got back.

_I got home after talking to Lexa, still confused and so angry, how could she live her lie? if I was Costia I would run as fast as I could and never look back. wow. I'd never thought id get to a place where I no longer thought that I would be able to have Lexa in my life, not only has she burnt me, but everyone around her. I shook it off, Luna would be home soon, she was getting some stuff for little sister Tris._

_when she got through the door, and saw Luna beat me home, I instantly flew in to her arms._

_"hey, little bird, shh it's okay" I didn't realise I was crying, she was wiping away the never ending flow of my tears. I was shaking._

_"how was I so blind fish? how did I not see it? all I ever knew, was the softness of her heart, but now I look back, it was hard and cold, closed off, I wished someone warned me."_

_Luna led me towards the couch. "you can not change you past little bird. I am sure that Lexa was a good person, even if it was only to you, Bellamy told me story's how she would protect you from the bully's, how she would stand up for you when your mom belittled you. I may not have the greatest of opinion on her, but I know that the person that not only Bellamy described but also you. did you- shit, did-" I nodded, I knew what she was trying to ask, I leant my forehead on to hers. "all I needed was answers, I I wasn't looking to be friends, I just wanted to know that I wasn't enough, and I know that I can move forward. I want us Fish, I have wanted you since we decided the friends with benefits. I just- I needed time and I knew it wasn't fair on me or you if I rushed in to a relationship." I heard her quite gasp. I looked into her deep dark brown eyes, full of love, hope and desire, I slowly leaned forward and applied my lips to her soft plump ones. I sighed, this is where I want to be lost in her soft curly locks, falling fast in her eyes._

_she was the first one to pull back. "not that I don't want to stop, sekon, but I want to woo you first." I laughed._

_"you woo me? how?" she crawled on top of me, with her predatory gaze. "I am going to pick you up at 7, and I am going to woo you so hard, that you would drag me to the alter." I cackled, she started tickling me, looking fake offended. "hey stop, I just mean we live together Fish!"_

_she stopped, I was out of breath, my insides all tingly. "I want to show you that life is more than surviving." my smile was so big, I haven't Smiled this much in ages, I brushed her hair behind her ears. I whispered lovingly. "and I ant to show you the world." she kissed me with so much passion, so much love, she made my head spin._

_things were quickly getting heated, but before Luna trailed her fingers under the waistband of my jeans, there was a loud, purposely heavy cough. I giggled, Luna sighed. "so which is it this time Fish? Murphey duty or Laundry?"_

* * *

My hands were shaking, so maybe yeah I was nervous, what will happen? I mean me and Luna pretty much know everything about each other, what would we talk about? shit I should of asked Raven she would know what to do, especially when she went through her serial dating phase.

there was a knock on the door, I rolled my eyes, I knew Luna was standing there, grinning her cocky smile, but when I opened the door her eyes was wide, almost bugged. I fidgeted with the hem of my shirt, I was wearing my new jeans, that was pretty tight, but by the look of Lunas face it was a very good choice, I waited a few more seconds before coughing. she actually blushed! Luna who wore a shit eating grin and a cocky swagger Blushed!. I looked her up and down, barely holding the gasp, she was wearing leather pants, with a grey Henley top, her hair was wild just how I liked it. she's breath-taking.

"your not so bad yourself, little bird." I felt my cheeks warm, I didn't realise I said that out loud. I locked the door, and interwind my hands with hers, they were slightly hot, showing she was just as nervous, I pulled her so she was facing me, and captured lips in a soft reassuring kiss.

"Babe, relax I am nervous just as much" I tilted her head up so she would look me in they eye. "we can do this, I mean I don't know what we are doing but I am positive, if it with you than I don't care." she smiled, a smile that was timid, shy so unlike Luna who was fierce and took no shit from anyone, she could kill you with one look, undress you with one look, yet here she was, shy and worried. she nodded, tugging me along. "first we need food, I haven't been able to eat." she admits timidly. me neither I think. my belly had too many butterfly's. "sounds good, where?" she gave me a wicked smirk and started to pulled me towards the car.

"it not a short drive but you won't regret it."

**Luna POV**

Luna defiantly regretted it, when she googled best diners in arcadia this was the first one to come up. Jeff's diner. she knew Clark loved diner food, and thought it would be a good start to our date, boy was she wrong. the waitress was a bitch I am pretty sure there was a loogie in Luna milkshake after leaving her a dollar tip. hopefully the next part of her wooing would turn the night around, as we was walking, Clark was babbling, she was still laughing. it was nice even though she laughing at Luna, it was nice to see her laid back self, relaxed, happy. she longed for this day,Luna learned new things about Clark, that her favourite colour changed with her mood, that she refuses get her caffeine addiction at Starbucks, "it just for stuck up bitches who sell overpriced caramel skinny latte without fucking foam." Luna also spoke more about her family, how she doesn't really talk to her family as much, or that her sister, moving to arcadia because she cant stand our step mom. it was nice being just us, no one else.

"you okay fish?" she didn't realised Clark stopped until I felt her tug me back. I smiled, blissfully, she felt drunk, drunk on love, on Clark. she wrapped her arms around Clarks neck. "everything's perfect. I am sorry about the food." Clark giggled, mover her hands to Luna's waist. "I think it was brilliant, the food god no, but the company? I couldn't ask for a better date," her eyes was so sinecure and happy. "oh, little bird it isn't over yet." she pulled her along.

we ended up at a building, it was a old lawyer firm, it was closed down, but as Luna was walking one day, she wondered around, finding it was open. she went the way to the top and was shocked, the view was breath-taking, you could see everything, from the houses all lit up, the woods. she knew there and there what she was going to do. wither it would go down well is another thing.

"what are we doing here?" Luna wiggled her eyebrows, "fancy breaking and entering?" Clark raised her eyebrows.

"I didn't know this was kink for you? I mean I wouldn't imagine our date to end up in a cell." she laughed, Luna tugged her along, showing the door that was open and pull her through, she was met with hesitance. she touched her reassuringly "do you trust me?" Clark looked me in the eye, trailing her thumb over Lunas wrist. "with my life." I took a deep breath, god she loved her, with every breath she took she knew she spend the rest of her life with this girl right by her side. and with that she took her to the roof, Clark was in awe, she was born in this town, but she has never seen a view quite this beautiful, she was so erupted that she didn't see the two canvasses and paint standing near the edge, when she did, Clark heart stuttered, she turned to Luna who again was staring at the floor timidly. "I know what you said, but I knew once you saw this, you would want to draw it" I took both of her hands. "I know you can do it, your dad would be so proud of you little bird, but he also wouldn't want you to stop your passion because of him, he would want you to thrive." she kept on rambling when Clark grabbed her in a powerful kiss, when she pulled away they were both breathless.

"thank you." and with that she walked over, shrugging of her jacket. she looked over her bare shoulder "how did you set this up?" Luna was nervous, she was usually confident, she knew what she wanted, she knew she could give Clark the life she so desire's but this? asking her to do something she hasn't done since her dad untimely death? she was scared shitless

"Bellamy knew the mayor from your old friend. he asked if we could use this space, he also help me lug all this up". Clark was picking through the different colours I brought, Luna walked over towards the second canvass that was opposite Clarks, she couldn't draw for jack shit, but she certainly tries.

after what seems like forever, Clark stretches, and checks the time, shit it's been over 2 hours! she looked over to see Luna focusing on something on her lap. she peeked round and saw her watching Wynona Earp on her phone. "I didn't mean to draw for so long." it made Luna jump, her phone falling to the floor. "shit! sorry babe." Luna laughed shaking her head. in truth she finished her drawing ages ago but didn't want to disturb Clark. "no it's fine little bird. so you going show me yours?" she winked. Clark sighed she was nervous. "you first fish!

"okay but don't say I didn't warn ya." she turned it around and Clark burst out laughing, holding her stomach. Luna wanted to be offended, but she also laughed along with her, yeah it looked like rectangles with shitty shaped windows, with a spaceship (the towns logo) flying over it. I poked her canvass. "your turn, miss artist." Clark stiffened, she was scared. she rubbed her neck unsurely "it isn't great, but yeah here it goes, the most beautiful view I see." she turned it around. Luna gasped it was a portrait of her, smiling eyes shining, hair crazy, she has never seen a version of herself. I slowly walked over to her. "is this how you see me Clark" it's the fist time I have said her name, so carefully. she nodded. "you are the most beautiful person I know, inside and out. your my inspiration. thank you for giving me my drive back" I grabbed her by the neck and pulled her in a long deep and dirty kiss, she pushed back just as hard, pushing Luna so that her back hit the wall, she was gasping in to Clarks mouth, her tongue doing magic, her hands wandering, touching her breasts, stroking her belly, leaving a hot trail down, Luna paused unsure where to go next. Clark must of read her expression. she slowly undone the buttons on Luna pants, she dipped her fingers in her wet heat, massaging her clit, she whispered in her ear, making Luna shiver.

"Make Love to me Lu" Luna grabbed legs lifting her of the ground turning her around so now that Clark was against the wall. she pushed her jacket of her shoulders, trailing kisses and love bites along her neck. this night is one that they will remember not only the start of there life together but the day they got ill. making love in the rain. but what a way to get sick 


	12. Chapter 12 May meet again.. or not

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clark struggles to adjust to life as a civilian.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone, I know I haven't been on here in a while! but I am back I can't promise a regular update as I do work a lot.
> 
> a lot has gone on, and to everyone out facing this pandemic I hope you all stay safe, and keep healthy, also to all carers NHS (uk) doctors and nurses around the world thank you for all you do and risking your lives for us.
> 
> hope you enjoy.  
Stay safe and inside people :D

"AGHHH" I threw my cane across the room and slowly sunk to the floor, with my head in my hands I took deep breathe. this was the fourth job interview I have had in one week, the same rejection every damn time! I looked at my bum knee glaring at the thing that is holding me back. 'I am sorry but we can't risk you hurting yourself while on shift.' 'I'm sorry but our restaurant is very fast paced and we wouldn't like to pressure you or make it worse.' 'do you have to carry that?' All of them took one look at my disability, ignored my credentials and just wasted my time to tell me I am not fit to be a waitress, retail assistant, I couldn't even get a job at fucking Walmart! I huffed, I can live on my savings and the money the army gave me, but staying in this house while the others worked, kept busy and actually earned their keep, well it defiantly bruised my ego. I sighed, I got up and started to limp towards the couch, the tv was staring at me, begging me to continue my buffy marathon, Luna wanted me to wait for her to watch it for her, but like everyone else had jobs to go to and I didn't. I can't keep watching tv, gaming and eating through my whole kitchen. I decided to go for a walk, try and get used to the pain instead of giving up and wasting my life, I can't let it get to me. I repeated the mantra that was drilled into me, 'get knocked down, get back up.' I grabbed my cane and my leather jacket and headed for the door. 

The weather was actually nice for a change, not a cloud in sight. the fresh air felt freeing. I walked aimlessly, looking in shop windows, people watching. I saw a lot of opportunity's for work, load of signs, but I knew, I knew that once I walked in their they wouldn't hire me, in the army they wouldn't judge you. I remember when I was in training to be a marine and the rigours training, hours spent in the mud climbing the highest walls, the combat training and all of the tortures cardio that no one should be able to achieve it, there was this one boy a small scrawny kid laughing at my attempt at pull ups with a weight around my waste, I remember our second Lieutenant halted the session, he asked me and the kid to join him, asking the others to gather in a circle around us. "today we will witness our very own single combat challenge between Griffin and Weston, no weapons, either tap out or knock out." he looked between us, I probably looked baffled, the kid was smirking cracking his knuckles. I narrowed my eyes, if he wanted to be a cocky bastard then so be it. I am stubborn, and competitive I will not go down unless I am knocked clean out. I squared my shoulders and nodded towards my teacher, getting in a boxing stance. 

"Gonplei"

Ten minutes later with a bloody nose and a cracked lip i grinned in victory, all or our squad was cheering, the lieutenant nooded, like he knew i wouldn't back down. "and that Ladies is one of life lesson, don't judge a book by it's cover. now piss off back to it, you! and you grab him and take him to medical!"

That kid who I later found out his name Miller, found me later on, ran up to me and apologised for being an ass, and offered to get me dinner. i quickly realised we had a lot in common and a few weeks later I found out why he was a cocky little shit was because he was brought up with a hard, homophobic and traditional father thought if he acted that way then no one would know about his sexuality. "my father thought it would cure me, the army would not tolerate it." I laughed. "do you know there a lot of dick here more then probably in your town? that wanker didn't think that through, especially since I am friends with at least 2 men who are gay!" he burst out giggling. "I like you griffin, think I am going to keep you!"   
And ever since then, we keep in touch, I passed my training and moved on to my new home while Miller did pass, but decided to quit and move to New your, following his dream of photography. we still managed to talk not as much as I would of liked, but by email and letter we stayed in contacy

Maybe it was fate or luck but I ended up at the bar again, I wondered if charles was in. I walked in and saw him chatting up Sarah who works part time here. "Give up Charles I'm more likely to get her number than you, you old bastard" he looked at me offended, i grinned sliding up on the stool beside him. he pointed a finger at me. "I have you know back in my day I could walk in a bar or club and instantly they would drop their panties for me" I barked out a laugh not being able to imagine that. Sarah came up to asand pushed a whiskey towards me "one the house darling" she winked before serving the other patrons, I nodded towards her "see? that's how it's done old man, didn't even have to ask" he shook his head, muttering bitch under his breath. I had a look around sipping my drink, it wasn't busy, although it was during the day, which made me curious. "So old pensioner do you just sit here all day and talk about the ole days or do you have a hobbie?" he threw his napkin at me, "what you tryna say? i aint no alcoholic, I like going here on the way from my Daughters. it get lonely sometimes being on me own." i frowned, feeling guilty i asked. "you have my number charles, it's not like I am busy theses days" he raised his eyebrows at me, I waved him away, signalling Sarah for another. he tapped my hand gently "What's wrong? you and that pretty girl with the crazy hair in the dump?" i shook my head and sighed.

"No actually were doing really good, we haven't labled anything but it's good. I'm finding it hard to get a job, alot of them no wait all of them has took one look at me and just said no. Charles? do look incapable just beacuse I walk with a cane? Luna says I have to be patient, Bellamy suggests i stay home for awhile and murphey shrugs it off like always." I took another swig, not meaning to bring the mood down, but Charles always had a calming effect around me, like a soft blanket with hot chocolate. 

"What do you really want Clark? don't think about anyone or anything else what do You want?" I shrugged, something I have been thinking about lately, but not wanting to tell the others, no they would freak out, demand I never say it again.

"before the army all I wanted to be was an artist, my dad was my biggest supporter and fan, he would hang every drawing I done at his work, his office and his garage, he made me belive that I could become what I dreamt most, when I lost him, my muse went and so did my passion. Luna took us out to this balcony with the most stunning view, and it brought it back, she inspired me, and after seven years of not ppicking up at pencil, i drew her and it felt like everything went away, no nightare, no flashbacks and no feeling of heart break. just pure happiniess and love something I have struggled to feel in a long time." I paused getting choked up, Charles pushed his drink towards me and I downed it wincing at the cheap after taste. "but now? I want to sleep on a cot, with my squad snoring in my ear, I want wake up and do drills untill we pass out, I want the mission, the adrenline to pulse through me as I fight for mine and my brothers and sisters life. I want to drink cheap whiskey behind our Lieutnants tent. I want back in the army. isn't that a sick joke?" i shook my head, chuckling to myself, I pointed my glass to Charles and grimaced. "I don't want the killing, the long ours of paperwork or the blood on my hands, I don't want to lose more men or women. but most of me want thatlife again. I know I can't no matter how much my brain is screaming at me to go back, because it was comfortable and home. this" I started to feel the effects hit me as i twirled around my stool, Charles grabbing my arm. "this is not home not anymore, everytime I wake up, it's too quiet too peaceful." Charles took the rest of my drink away from me, and paid for my tab. "come on let's get you home."

As we walked home well, he dragged me he started to speak. "Clark in my life time I have survived my wifes passing, loosing my home and job, nearly loosing my family to war, I have learnt that the home you want isn't in the army, hell not even here, it is in the hearts of the people you love, when I say I will take you home, it isn't the place you live in I am talking about. it's the people waiting for you. I know what it feels like to miss military, I struggled as well, adapting to loud noises, to the quiet. What I struggled with is normal problems like: paying bills on time or applying for jobs, hell! even cooking my own dinner was a fucking struggle, I had serve since I was sixteen and until I turned 40 and met my wife. once I retired I just didn't know hot live in world where there was no war, no gun fire evry night. no men shouting for help. nothing just silence. Like I said it will take time, but you will find your self again Clark I can promise you thatt, just don't push anyone away." I didn't realise I was crying untill he wiped my cheeks. I slowly shook my head. he was right everything he said. "how come you never said anything?" He shrugged stopping at my door. "I wanted to wait, I don't like bragging, or telling my story, but Clark your a very strong and lovely girl and I saw the same pain, felt the same broken aura that i felt around you. at first you was just a woman who got too drunk, I saw your demons, but now i consider you a friend, and despite my age I have plenty of fun in me" he winked, wiggling his eyebrows, I faked gagged shoving him gently. he rubbed his neck nervously.  
"joking aside, I can be your shoulder to cry on, your drinking buddy and even your punching bag, just don't go thinking you're alone, because you're far from it angel." Im started getting choked up again, not used to being this emotional, I pulled him into a bear hug. I whispered a thank you, took shook up to get my words out, I kissed his cheek. as I turned toward sthe door he grabbed my arm.  
"Take this, ring this number, and tell him you are a friend of Charles dickhead" what the fuck? "yeah you heard me right, he will know who it is." i slowly nodded. "who am I ringing?"  
he gave me his name, waved and walked off. I was curious but as the whiskey settled in my veins, sleep started to come, i silently walked in, hoping no one was up, kicked of my shoes and headed towards my bedroom, Luna was already asleep. she looked so peaceful, i kissed her on the forehead, and snuggled up to her. "Ai hod yu in" it was the first night where I didnt have a nightmare, maybe it was a start of a new begining.. or not?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was pretty much a filler, as I have struggled with this story as I don't know if it is as good as it is in my head is that make sense? probably not lol


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